Dear Wife Swap

Thank you for choosing us to be on your TV show. Here are a few things the new wife might want to know about our household before she gets here.

The big screen TV is not working. Because of this, Honey is spending a lot of time in the bedroom watching ESPN. When the TV is working, I spent a lot of time in the bedroom to get away from ESPN.

The new wife will have to sleep in my grandson's bedroom. The goldfish does not make any noisy and the hamster only makes noise at night. When my grandson comes, he will want to use his computer in that room. If asks for your credit card number, he is probably subscribing to something that you can only stop by canceling your bank account.

We have two rescue kittens that my grandson brought home. They are now wild cats and jump to the  top of the hutch, table, and everything else. It is not a good idea to leave food unattended as they might decide to sample it. Maybe the new wife can train them to stay off of stuff, but I doubt it.

We also have two dogs. One dog belongs to my daughter. It lives in her room and is neurotic. Wife number two probably won't see it at all. The other dog will jump on her lap and lick her in the face. It will sleep on her feet at night. She needs to keep an eye on things she does not want chewed up, and if it has an accident, clean it up.

The new wife will be responsible for all cooking and cleaning as well as doing the yard work, buying groceries and paying the bills. Honey will vacuum if you remind him several times, and take out the trash if you set the trash bag in front of the door. When you buy groceries, he will help by following you around and telling you to hurry up.

You can only do two loads of laundry a day as it floods the septic tank and causes the plumbing to make gurgling sounds. Honey washes on Saturday, so you can do your clothes any other day. Be very careful with the commodes. If you put too much paper in them at one time, they tend to clog. We keep a plunger by the commode in case she needs it.

My daughter lives with me. She will not give the new wife any problems as long as she has cigarettes and books from the library. She spends most of her time in the garage smoking. She cleans her own room, does her own laundry and feeds the animals. She has a lot of health problems, but she can show you the way to the emergency room. Do not let her use the car without permission, or you may never
see it again.

Honey makes his own lunch, so the new wife will not have to worry about that. Do not use any of his food out of the refrigerator or he will get mad. Honey gets up at 4:30 so he can use up all the hot water for his shower. We leave for work at 6:15, so she needs to be ready to go or honey may leave without her.

We do not have parties or invite anyone over as the dogs will bark and jump on them and the carpet smells too bad. Honey will not clean up his junk pile around his computer desk or the shoes under the bed, so don't even bother asking. Also, don't go in his bathroom unless it is an emergency for reasons I won't go into.

If the new wife needs to get out for a while, she can ask honey to take her for a drive to the pet cemetery or go bargain shopping at the Goodwill store.