Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Wife Swap (As seen on TV)....
Thank you for choosing us to be on your TV show. Here are a few things the new
wife might want to know about our household before she gets here.
The big screen TV is not working. Because of this, Honey is spending a lot of
time in the bedroom watching ESPN. When the TV is working, I spent a lot of time
in the bedroom to get away from ESPN.
The new wife will have to sleep in my grandson's bedroom. The goldfish does not
make any noisy and the hamster only makes noise at night. When my grandson
comes, he will want to use his computer in that room. If asks for your credit
card number, he is probably subscribing to something that you can only stop by
canceling your bank account.
We have two rescue kittens that my grandson brought home. They are now wild cats
and jump to the top of the hutch, table, and everything else. It is not a good
idea to leave food unattended as they might decide to sample it. Maybe the new
wife can train them to stay off of stuff, but I doubt it.
We also have two dogs. One dog belongs to my daughter. It lives in her room and
is neurotic. Wife number two probably won't see it at all. The other dog will
jump on her lap and lick her in the face. It will sleep on her feet at night.
She needs to keep an eye on things she does not want chewed up, and if it has an
accident, clean it up.
The new wife will be responsible for all cooking and cleaning as well as doing
the yard work, buying groceries and paying the bills. Honey will vacuum if you
remind him several times, and take out the trash if you set the trash bag in
front of the door. When you buy groceries, he will help by following you around
and telling you to hurry up.
You can only do two loads of laundry a day as it floods the septic tank and
causes the plumbing to make gurgling sounds. Honey washes on Saturday, so you
can do your clothes any other day. Be very careful with the commodes. If you put
too much paper in them at one time, they tend to clog. We keep a plunger by the
commode in case she needs it.
My daughter lives with me. She will not give the new wife any problems as long
as she has cigarettes and books from the library. She spends most of her time in
the garage smoking. She cleans her own room, does her own laundry and feeds the
animals. She has a lot of health problems, but she can show you the way to the
emergency room. Do not let her use the car without permission, or you may never
see it again.
Honey makes his own lunch, so the new wife will not have to worry about that. Do
not use any of his food out of the refrigerator or he will get mad. Honey gets
up at 4:30 so he can use up all the hot water for his shower. We leave for work
at 6:15, so she needs to be ready to go or honey may leave without her.
We do not have parties or invite anyone over as the dogs will bark and jump on
them and the carpet smells too bad. Honey will not clean up his junk pile around
his computer desk or the shoes under the bed, so don't even bother asking. Also,
don't go in his bathroom unless it is an emergency for reasons I won't go into.
If the new wife needs to get out for a while, she can ask honey to take her for
a drive to the pet cemetery or go bargain shopping at the Goodwill store.
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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