Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Fried Turkey Tale....
I hope you and dad are having a Happy Thanksgiving. This
year we decided to do something a bit different and fry our turkey
whole. I am in a newsgroup on the Internet that just could
not say enough about how great they taste fried. I even got
a recipe from one of the members. It went something like
1 turkey plucked and gutted - leave feet for holding turkey
5 gal bucket peanut oil
extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees.
That didnít sound too complicated, and even though Iíve had
several kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be a
festive way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Besides, we could do
the deed outside on our wooden deck to avoid making a big mess in
the kitchen. What could go wrong?
I couldnít find a turkey with feet at the grocery store.
The butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the nice frozen one
that was on sale. I figured a meat man should know, so I got
one. Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen turkey?
Itís a weeklong job. I figured the hot grease would do the trick
anyhow, so why worry.
Have you priced peanut oil lately? I decided some of the
other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking oil
is cooking oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just
fine. Heating it was a bit tricky as it kept smoking and bubbling. But since we were outside, I thought the
smoke wouldnít hurt anything.
Now this is the part you wonít believe! I threw that
sucker in the pot and when the thing thawed out, the oil boiled over on the wooden deck
and caught the deck on fire! We got the garden hose to put
it out. Who would know not to put water on a grease fire?
It didnít really matter anyhow. In all the excitement I
forgot to watch the cooking thermometer and the grease must have become too hot. I was
inside the house looking for the fire extinguisher when I heard
the explosion. Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud? It was
After the fire department left, we decided to eat dinner out next
year. Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined, but the deck burned down
and took half the garage with it. The dog will be just fine when
his fur grows back. Weíve always wanted a Mexican Hairless dog
The fire department told us they make a lot of house calls about
this time of the year from people frying turkeys who donít know what they
are doing. Like, is it my fault that the grease was cheap and the
stupid turkey wouldnít thaw out? They need to put
consumer-warning labels on turkeys!
Speaking of the turkey, we are still looking for it. I think
it may have blown to bits as weíve looked all over the neighborhood. If you
see a turkey shaped cloud of ash circling the earth, thatís
By the way, you may see us on the evening news on TV. A lot
of people thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we have
not been reported to the FBI.
Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine. I
donít think the house will be fixed for a while since there is a lot of smoke
damage. We are moving to a motel. Do you think we could come to your
house for Christmas this year?
You were not planning on frying a turkey, were you?
Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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