Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
Interview with a Turkey
day, Mr. Turkey. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us about
life in the turkey shed and the approaching holiday season.
1. What sort of goals in life does a turkey have?
Well, Iíve been on a very strict diet lately. We turkeys have to
really watch our weight at this time of the year or we could end up in
hot water. My actual goal is to shrivel up to about the size of a
2. Do you try to keep a positive attitude?
Oh yes, Iíve been lucky so far, made it though several Thanksgivings
already. Just have to hide behind the door when you see them
coming with the meat thermometer.
3. Do you have any significant relationships?
Well, Iím not exactly a lovebird as Iím too old and fat to spread
my tail feathers and strut. The missus does have some good-looking
thighs, though, and plenty of white meat in the right places.
4. What do you think about the Thanksgiving holiday?
Well, Iím a vegetarian myself. However, if you really want to
know what being thankful is, visit the turkey shed on the day after
Thanksgiving and talk to some of the turkeys that are still
5. Do you ever think you would like to move to a place
where they donít celebrate Thanksgiving?
What Iíd really like to do is be a guerrilla turkey, live in the
wild, and carry a gun to protect myself. They like turkey
everywhere. Some places just spread it out through the year a
6. Are turkeys the only animals with this type of situation?
No, chickens have it pretty rough too. They are always in
season. So are pigs and cowsÖ which are much more delicious
than turkey, by the way.
7. How do you deal with the constant challenge of unpredictable
The only thing unpredictable is when -- and with how much cranberry
sauce on the side. How would you like it, never knowing if you will be
deep-fried, roasted, or made into lunchmeat?
8. Donít you like being a turkey?
Well, Iíve never been anything else, so thatís a bit hard to
answer. I just wish those Pilgrims had never started this
9. But, you must get a warm feeling from being wanted?
I try to avoid feeling warm, to tell the truth. Iím afraid
that if I get too warm it may be a bad sign, especially if itís at
325 degrees. Some days I have to check my popup timer just to be
sure that Iím still alive.
10. Overall, would you say you are satisfied with your life?
There are a lot of things Iíd like to accomplish before I go, like
revenge against the meat industry, for instance. But I try not
to dwell on those thoughts.
12. Do you try to make a good impression on others?
Are you kidding? I smoke cigars just to make me cough so they
will think Iím too sick to slaughter. I may be a turkey but
Iím not stupid!
12. But, donít you believe that a turkey that isnít consumed is
Useless? Iíll tell you whatís useless. This stupid interview is
whatís useless. Just get out of my beak. You are starting to really
ruffle my feathers.
Well, maybe we better call it a day. Iíve got to hurry home
and get ready for Thanksgiving. All the relatives are coming,
and... erÖ I guess maybe one of your relatives as well.
So... thatís it from the turkey shed, folks. Thanks for the
interview. Good luck, and I hope you will be around for a follow-up
Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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