Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
to republish an
article, please contact her. It's that easy.
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Online Since 1999
||A Ritual of Spring....
A Ritual of Spring
Ah, Spring is here! Hormones surge... instinct takes over.. a
woman's thoughts turn to... HOUSE CLEANING! Yes, it's true! Dust
is in the air. It is time to celebrate the honored ritual of
spring house cleaning.
It must be a primitive nesting instinct, the urge to renew and
it becomes apparent that your house resembles a college dorm
Here are a few of the tell-tell signs.
1.. Your front door has more fingerprints than the FBI.
2.. The dust mites are having an anniversary party under your
3.. You are wearing clothes from the floor of the closet -
4.. Your family is eating off paper plates so you don't have to
open the cabinets.
5.. You need a gas mask when you open the refrigerator.
6.. The kids can't find their toys -- in fact they can't find
the toy box.
7.. The garbage disposal is coughing.
8.. You can't find the cordless phone unless it rings.
9.. You can't turn on the ceiling fan without creating a dust
10.. Your chore for the day is to find the vacuum cleaner bags
-- and the vacuum cleaner.
11.. The remote control has been lost in a sofa crack since the
end of football season.
12.. The kitty litter is a concrete block.
13.. The cat has been missing for three days.
14.. There is something solid and black in the bottom of the
15.. You can't decide whether to clean the windows or just buy
16.. The dog has offered to loan you his doghouse.
17.. The mail hasn't been opened since last tax season.
18.. The piles of magazines may fall over and bury you.
19.. You are afraid to turn on the oven because bugs may be
raising a family in there.
20.. You wonder if a hose down would ruin the carpets.
21.. There is something sprouting in the dishwasher.
22.. The washing machine reminds you of a concrete mixer.
23.. You introduce your kids as the three little pigs.
24.. You can't go outside because fresh air makes you dizzy.
25.. It seems easier to move than to clean the house.
If any of these seem slightly familiar, you too may have spring
cleaning fever. The male of the species is seldom affected. Like
PMS, spring cleaning fever is exclusive to the female.
Fortunately, the cure is rather simple. Apply soap and water,
disinfectant, furniture polish, scouring power, grease solvent,
and plenty of elbow grease and your fever will be cured in a
matter of hours, with results lasting at least till the family
Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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