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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Truth About Men....
 

 

The Truth About Men - SHE Says

Men think they are the superior sex. Just because their muscles are stronger they have the silly idea that their gray matter is adequate to a femaleís. What women lack in physical strength, they make up for in mental superiority. The reason that men all sleep with their mouths open is simply because their brain cells are trying to get oxygen. Lack of oxygen is also what causes them snore.

Men spend a lot of time denying their deficiencies which is why they never get anything done. Women have to nag them for days -- and that is just to get them up off the sofa. The only time a man will ever get something finished is when it is time to watch the ball game on TV. That means the best time to nag a man is right before a big game. After the game starts, there is no point in trying to talk to him:

If the woman says, "I had a terrible day," the man says, "Huh?"

If she says, "I wrecked the car," he says, "Huh?"

If she says, "Wanna have sex?" he says, "Huh?"

Men have the only truly universal language -- a grunt.

Men actually watch sports on TV just as an excuse to drink beer. Why is it that men drink so much beer? Do they really think that beer bellies look cool? If beer did not exist, men would go thirsty. Who invented beer anyhow? It must have been a man. No woman would invent a high calorie beverage without cream and sugar.

Men always accuse women of nagging them about watching sports, but the reason women nag is because they could never get anything done otherwise. Men really should come with consumer warning labels. They have thousands of dollars worth of power tools and wrenches but still canít change a washer for a drippy faucet. Of course, that is because they never have the right two-bit washer.

Along with their other problems, men have a hard time picking out their own clothes. They find several outfits that match and then wear them over and over. If the green shirt is dirty, they canít think of anything else that goes with the green pants. While women have shoes for every outfit, men are so boring they only need two pairs: black and brown. If the black shoes have to go in for repair, the man can only wear half of his clothes. Men are unable to go shopping alone also. After 20 years, a man still doesnít know the length of his own inseam. It must be psychological denial.

Speaking of psychological denial, men are also terrible at managing money, but still think they are superior to women. Men complain about a few items charged on the credit card and forget about the new computer they just bought. They always want to control the money and to make the investments. It makes them feel powerful to talk about the stock market --- whether they understand it or not. If they are really so good with money, why do they keep losing all their pocket change under the furniture cushions?

Men are always too involved with money and also with their careers. They spend all their time and energy on the job and then they are too tired for sex. They are NOT too tired to think about it all the time, however. Men have three favorite things, and they all begin with "S" -- beer, football, and sex. Why do these words begin with "S"? Because one stinks, one is stupid and one is much too swift.

After work, a man wants to unwind by watching TV. He cannot watch it, however, without a remote control. When the remote control was invented, he lost his ability to use the knob on the television and it became obsolete. He has one remote for the TV and one for the VCR. Men love electronic toys and gadgets. The VCR, of course, is simply another unnecessary gadget that blinks and beeps. Chances are he doesnít remember how to use the VCR. And since a book doesnít operate by remote control, he canít look it up.

Of course, men never want to ask for directions for anything anyhow. They also refuse to take lessons, except, perhaps, golf lessons. This is because they canít admit that someone else knows more than they do. With golf, however, they figure that no one else can explain why the balls go where they do either.

With so many things on their small minds, men never remember birthdays and anniversaries unless they are reminded. They probably are trying to forget that they are married. It wonít work. Women remember. The woman wants the man pick out her gift. He always gets something expensive because he is too lazy to shop for a bargain -- or else the saleswoman at Victoriaís Secret talked him into it.

In addition to being forgetful, men do offensive things like belch and expect a woman to understand. Why should the woman understand? The man should understand that she is offended and not do it. That is why women are so sensitive and get their feelings hurt, because men do not understand. If men understood women, they would not "let their ears rest" while women are talking. How can a woman explain anything when the man is not listening?

Iím glad we were able to have this little chat. I just wanted to set the record straight about who is really in charge. We certainly would not want anyone to think that women are just as sexist as men are, would we? Besides, women still like men a little bit in spite of their many faults. Guess that shows how forgiving women are, doesnít it? 

If there is anything else you want to know, just ask. If I donít know the answer, Iíll just make something up. After all, I made up all the rest of this stuff Ė at least that is what a man would tell you.

 

Check out The Truth About Women - He Says


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