NAME: Gabby O. Grump
ADDRESS: Just address me as "Hey You" or
Oh, my home address? You can just deposit my pension
checks directly into my bank account and I won't have to worry
about them getting stolen out of my mailbox. Old people obsess
about this, you know.
SEX: Once in a while, but I'm still young enough
to be hopeful.
POSITION APPLIED FOR: Couch Potato.
Seriously, I've spent the best years of my life in an office
cubicle. It's time to blow this joint and see the rest of the
PREVIOUS SALARY: Too little, too late -- however
from an employer's perspective, I probably make enough to pay two
or three part-time employees who are younger and more energetic
than I am.
DESIRED SALARY: $100,000 per year plus paid
medical and dental insurance. Since that's not an option according
to the retirement office, then I guess I will have to learn to
live on Social Security, the inadequate pension you have provided
(thank you), and the interest off my checking account.
EDUCATION: Graduated suma cum lauda from the
School of Hard Knocks and hold an advanced degree from the
University of Experience.
LAST POSITION HELD: If all goes as planned, this
will be my last position. It's really hard to know since I'm not
dead yet, in spite of what others may think.
PAST EXPERIENCE: Been there, done that, don't want
to go there again.
NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: I can't think of anything
other than staying alive to reach retirement age without having a
heart attack or nervous breakdown, and without even taking an
extended absence to use up my sick leave before retirement.
REASON FOR LEAVING: To get a life. If it weren't
for the 8-hour rat race, I would stay around forever just to
aggravate all the younger workers who want my job.
HOURS AVAILABLE: 24/7 - except for nights,
weekends, holidays, and afternoon beauty naps.
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: I can work overtime with the
flu, meet stressful deadlines without going postal, use the stairs
instead of the elevator, and can stay awake and hold my water
during long, boring meetings. I can also type with one hand while
answering the phone with the other.
CURRENT EMPLOYER: You are my current employer.
Check with the Personnel Department. Don't you speak to each other
ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? I'VE heard that
Florida is a popular place for retirement; however, many retirees
are moving back to where they came from due to the hurricanes.
Arizona is not an option. It's too far away from the
ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: I don't remember.
(Another good reason to retire.)
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yes, it has 70,000 miles on it
from commuting back and forth to the city five days a week;
however, it's almost paid for and has good tires. (If you are
offering to give me a company vehicle, I accept.)
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION? No, You don't even know I work here. (See above.) I
did get a nice certificate with my name spelled wrong, however,
and a silver key chain for my many years of service.
DO YOU SMOKE? If I did, do you think I would have
lived long enough to be retiring? Who has time for a smoke break
around here anyhow? (Are you gathering information to reduce my
life insurance benefits by any chance?)
RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To stay busy doing all the
things that I haven't had time to do because I am always at work.
And when I'm gone, don't call me - I'll call you.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? No,
retirement isn't a crime; it's supposed to be a reward for
breaking my back in the salt mines, isn't it?
IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of course, I could be fired for lying on my
retirement application -- if I wasn't quitting anyhow, that is. (heh-heh!)
REFERENCES: Try the Intranet, Dictionary, or
Policy Manual (No use asking my co-workers if I am a good
candidate for retirement. They are all too busy looking for
someone to replace me who will work for the same measly