It has come to my attention that many of you are actually listening to adults
and doing what you are told to do. This is NOT the way it is suppose to be. KIDS
RULE! We are in charge and donít ever let adults think otherwise. Once they
get the upper hand, it becomes much more difficult to train them properly.
The training of an adult must begin early in the day. Plan to wake up at
least an hour prior to their desired wakeup time. This gives you a head start.
Then do whatever is necessary to be sure they wake up too. Jump on the bed, play
with your battery-operated musical toys, or cry loudly, and scream, "Iím
Once you wake them up and have their attention, they will want to change your
underwear. This humiliating act puts them in control instead of you. Scream and
refuse. They will try to distract you with a cup of warm milk. Resist! If you
take the milk, you will be sunk. They will change your underwear and once warm
and cozy, you are in danger of going back to sleep.
For breakfast insist on Oreoís. This never fails to cause frustration.
Refuse any offer of regular food like eggs. Do
not be tempted by sugarcoated cereal, no matter how cute the television
commercials are. Cereal is mostly sugar but there might be vitamins in the milk.
Pop tarts and granola bars are possible alternatives, but be sure not to be
diverted by these too often or adults will get the idea that they can quit
giving you Oreoís.
After finishing your Oreoís and milk, you will want to go outside to play.
Stand at the door and press your nose on the glass looking sad. There are many
more things to get into outside than inside, plus outside is where the best dirt
is. All kids need to spend as much time as possible getting dirty.
refuse to play with your toys and play with sticks and rocks. This will totally
confuse your adult who will not understand why you donít like expensive toys
and will probably then buy you even more toys, hoping to find one you like.
Smashing expensive toys is also fun, but we will not cover that here, as it is a
rainy day project.
For lunch, insist on chips and dip. If you are tired of chips and dip and
actually want real food, request pizza. The tomato sauce on pizza is very messy
and hard to clean up when smeared around on furniture, which makes
it ideal. Refuse any and all vegetables, which are loaded with vitamins.
Vitamins are an adult plot to deprive kids of tasty food like hot dogs, jelly
sandwiches, and Popsicles. The only acceptable form for a vitamin is when it
comes out of bottle, is shaped like an animal, and is flavored and chewable.
After lunch, the adult will want you to take a nap. It is important not to fall asleep regardless of how tired you are or
how much the adults insist. If you do, they will watch television, laugh, and
have all manner of fun without you. Also, they will not be tired at night and
you canít get the upper hand at bedtime. If they put you to bed for a nap,
giggle, read books, kick the covers, anything to avoid going to
sleep and letting adults have their way.
Unless you are starving, refuse dinner. If you are hungry and must eat, ask
for a hot dog. The adult will be so frustrated because you have not eaten all
day that you can pretty much have whatever you want. After you have eaten the hot
dog is a good time to demand ice cream. The adult will be so
happy that you have finally eaten something that you can probably become really
outrageous and demanding at this point, even asking for something like cola in
your training cup.
At bath time, insist on bubbles. Bring all the toys you can find into the
tub. Splash the water, swim, play rubber ducky and fully enjoy your bath. Refuse
to get out of the tub until after the adult pulls the plug and lets the bath
water drain. Then throw out all the toys on the floor for the adult to pick up.
This also makes the floor wet and slick and you can slide around on it while the
adult tries to dress you for bed.
Refuse to go to sleep. Play, laugh, whine, insist on your favorite toy, ask
for a story, or request a favorite video that you know was long ago misplaced.
Prolong this period as much as you can. If you go to sleep, your adult will be
able to rest and think of new ways to control you.
If you are able to hold out
long enough, the adult may fall asleep first. When this happens, slip your
favorite video tape into the VCR, find the stash of fruit rollups you have been
hiding under the bed, let the dog get in bed with you, and celebrate your
It is hard work to control adults and train them properly, but it is well
worth your efforts in the long run. Eventually, they will give up, and you will
be miles ahead of them in the competition to be the boss. Remember, KIDS RULE Ė not
adults! Never forget it!