Battle of the Sexes - He Says"

The truth about women is they can’t be pleased. They spend their whole lives waiting for a man to do something wrong just so they can say, "I told you so." Women never shut up. They are born to nag. They like to nag so much, they even find fault with men when they are asleep. They claim that men snore. The truth is that no man has ever heard himself snoring.

And when a woman isn’t nagging, she is complaining. Something is always hurting. She has a migraine, her feet hurt, or her back bothers her. Women always want to go to doctors. Men don’t like to go to doctors. A man will wait until he is nearly dead before admitting pain.

Women don’t appreciate men or how hard they work, even though they are working mostly to support women. Women nag men to do petty chores like taking out the trash, things demeaning to a man’s dignity. Women try to expel them from their home and castle by making them do outside jobs like cutting the grass. If it was up to a man, he could get by with a mattress and a microwave.

Women waste entirely too much time cleaning the house. Who notices if the house is clean or not except the man…? And the truth is that he doesn’t care. If women have so much energy, why not spend it doing something useful like waxing and polishing the car? And women always want to "decorate" their home. Why do they need to decorate, except to spend money? Women also like to spend money shopping. Why do they need to shop? If they want something, they should just go into the store and buy the first thing they see. That’s what a man would do.

Women take better care of the kids than they do the man. If a child falls down and skins his knee, they rush him to the bathroom to put medicine and band-aids on the injury, and give him a hug. When a man falls down, they accuse him of indulging in strong beverages.

Women are always nagging men about cholesterol and calories too. Why can’t women just watch their own calories? A man is actually seldom overweight. He typically just has a small weight distribution problem causing everything to settle in the middle.

Women always want to make a mountain out of a molehill. Just because a man brings part of the car engine inside and leaves it on the kitchen table, they threaten to divorce him. Trivial! Women want the home to be perfect. Even though the man is not a plumber and knows nothing about fixing stuff, they expect him to do home repairs. Then when the man messes something up and a real repair person has to be paid overtime, the woman becomes upset.

Women have their faults too. For example, women are very jealous creatures. Just because a man spends a bit too much time looking at a new babe at the pool, they accuse him of cheating. Why don’t they understand that it is his duty as a man to check out the new babes and report back to other men, preferably over a beer?

Actually, a man is much better off as a bachelor and he does not even have to shave every day either. A few empty beer bottles and sink full of dirty dishes do not make him a bad person. A ring in the bathtub does not mean than he is dirty, only that he does not like to spend valuable time cleaning the bathroom, especially if it is time for his favorite program to come on TV. Women need to learn to keep priorities straight.

Another problem women have is always wanting to socialize. Men don’t want to socialize; they want to stay home and watch television, something that won’t talk back or try to dance with them. Speaking of television, women never understand the need for more than one remote control. But any man can easily explain at least two, and sometimes more.

A women thinks that the need to pass wind or belch is obnoxious instead of understanding natural body functions. They think that sleeping should be done in the bed instead of on the sofa. Why?

There is just no way to satisfy a woman. The only thing she is good for is sex and even that takes too long. If a man can get in the mood without foreplay why can’t she?

Women are impractical. They expect stupid gifts like flowers. They expect men to remember the dates of their birthday and anniversary even though the event was years ago. What a waste. Any man can tell you the only really good gift is a big screen TV or tickets to a hockey match. Women cannot understand the taste of a fine cigar or a shot of bourbon. A woman thinks that a man smokes or drinks just for the express purpose of annoying her.

Men don’t try to engage women in meaningful conversations. The only meaningful conversation that a man is interested in is who is the most valuable player and what time the big game comes on. Women never know when to shut up. They talk too much. Women are always accusing men of not listening. Of course, they are not listening; they are watching the instant replay.

It takes a woman forever to get ready to go someplace. A man can get ready in ten minutes. When she is finally ready, she wants to be complimented on how she looks. If a man says the woman looks nice, she accuses him of being up to something. If he does not say that she looks nice, she accuses him of being insensitive. That’s why men don’t give compliments. They are trying to stay out of trouble.

When the woman is ready to go, she always want the man to do the driving in order to be able to criticize his driving. Women drivers are overly cautious. That’s why they have so many accidents. You have to knock them out of the way to get by them.

Well, I sure hope we’ve set the record straight about the differences between the sexes. I just figured it was about time that men spoke up and quit being accused of lying about it. The funny thing about sexism is that there is usually just enough truth to make it seem believable. Of course, sexism is just a fallacy. It doesn’t really exist at all – he says.

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Battle of the Sexes
She Says