Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||False Teeth Fiasco....
False Teeth Fiasco
For those whose natural teeth have received a rejection slip from the tooth
fairy, plastic choppers are somewhat better than the alternative of being a
toothless old geezer. The thrill of being able to flash beautiful, white,
plastic pearlies when you smile is unknown to those who still have their own
Assuming you have already been in the torture chamber and experienced the
bloody, bone-cracking process of having your personal ivory collection
extracted, you know about the waiting period between the chain saw massacre and
the time when you can cancel the call to the Red Cross blood bank and look
forward to being a medical student's next assignment.
"Don't remove them," you are told, "or your gums will swell and you will not be
able to put them back in. "So, you endure the burning, throbbing pain, like
demons from hell having a camp-a-roo and wiener roast in your mouth.
Eventually, the swelling subsides and the dentures begin flopping around in your
mouth like the tongue of a duck. You then get to have your floppies re-lined and
begin looking over the selection of powders, pastes, amazing goop, and super
glue so the teeth will stay in your mouth and not fly across the room at the
next church ladies' social.
Like the legendary wooden teeth of George Washington, commercially produced
nibblers never seem to fit properly, but relief eventually comes when a corner
cracks off and it is time to have a new denture made. You were under the
influence of Novocain and laughing gas the first time, and believe that
artificial teeth are made by magic elves that left the shoemaking business for
better working conditions in a hollow tree.
It won't be that bad, you decide. So, you go to the dentist where a concrete
truck is backed up to the dental chair and your mouth filled with plaster of
Paris. After the plaster has dried and is jack hammered from your mouth, a
second mold is made from Silly Putty and you try not to gag, vomit, or kick
holes in the ceiling while the dentist molds it to fit your mouth.
Bite," says the dentist. "Ouch! "Wait until my finger is out of the way." Biting
the dentist is the most pleasurable part of the process.
At last, "done," you think. But no, you must return to the dentist for a fitting
in which a denture the size of Hoover Dam is shoved into your mouth. Adjustments
are made and the set is chipped down to the size of a mortal mouth.
"Next time we will have the real denture," proclaims the dentist, very pleased
with the torture sessions so far and with the down payment you are making on his
vacation home in Bermuda.
Next time arrives and you are presented with a denture only twice the size of
your mouth. While the dental assistant tells you how great you look, the dentist
climbs into your mouth with a pick and digs for gold.
At long last the final fitting. After all the torture you have endured, you just
want to get the thing done and get out of there. But something spears you in the
roof of your mouth like Captain Ahab has mistaken you for the Great White Whale.
"It hurts!"you scream.
The doctor takes the denture to the back room and mysterious grinding sounds are
heard that vibrate the dental insurance card in your pocket. Done at last, you
go home and your new oral meat grinders begin the process of rubbing blisters
and carving ulcers in your mouth like the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon.
You pray that you will be lucky and the blisters will become calluses before
they become cancer.
And that is all there is to having pearly white false teeth so that you can eat
without worry - at least for a few years until they wear out and crack again.
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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