Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
||The only good bug is a dead
The Only Good Bug is a Dead Bug
is here. Flowers are blooming, leaves are sprouting, and grass is growing. Oh,
the freshness of it all. I love it -- except for one thing - bugs.
Insects are everywhere. I know some of them are harmless. Others are supposed to
be useful, bees, for example, pollinate flowers. But what was God thinking when
he created some of these tiny tormentors?
It seems you can't really get rid of the bad bugs without also getting rid of
the good ones. And the bad bugs are trying to ruin my life. Why, why is it that
the bugs will not leave me alone?
I had a tick on me the other day -- a TICK! What other woman gets bitten by a
stupid tick? I don't know where it came from, but it bit me on the bottom of my
big toe, leaving a lump the size of a pea and an itch like a bee sting. I rushed
to the Internet to see what horrible diseases I could come down with.
And there are disgusting tent caterpillars in my crabapple tree. If I don't get
rid of them, they will damage the tree. If the limb they are on is small, I just
cut it off and throw away the entire mess. If they are on a big limb, the nest
has to be opened and they crawl left and right trying to escape. The entire
business is just too gross to talk about.
So far, these are my only two major bug assaults this year. But the season is
young. I still have mosquitoes to look forward to. Mosquitoes love me, but the
feeling is not mutual! They flock to me. While other people get one bite, I get
dozens of itching burning lumps of fire.
And there are chiggers; did I mention chiggers? They are even worse than
mosquitoes. These are tiny bugs that you can't even see, but they live in the
grass and jump onto your legs and feet and bite you. What possible reason is
there for such a onery bug to exist?
I ask you, what is the purpose of a wasp? Bees I can somewhat understand, but
wasps? They will build a nest somewhere they don't belong before the end of
summer. I've learned to respect their turf since one flew into a rage and stung
me with no provocation at all. These evil tempered bugs should be on Prozac.
I no longer have a garden. What's the use when the bugs eat it up before you
can? Each insect seems to specialize in one particular plant, cut worms on
tomatoes, potato beetles, corn caterpillars and cabbage moths. Where do they
come from and how do they find out about your tiny plot of earth?
Flies, filthy flies. My trash cans are spotless and the lids are tight. I rake
up the spoiled fruit under the apple tree. Still they come; they zoom around
waiting for the door to open so they can buzz inside and aggravate me until I
can chase them down with a swatter.
Termites tried to eat my house one year. They swarmed the living room like ants
with wings. I nearly had a heart attack until I could call the exterminator to
eradicate them. That little adventure cost me a small fortune and continues to
cost every year as they return and try to whittle my home into a toothpick.
There are so many others: bagworms on the evergreens, spiders in the azaleas,
crickets around the foundation, moths swarming the porch light, and fleas
attacking the pets. They say insecticides are dangerous. I say nay, nay. Kill 'em
before they multiply.
Why can't insects be nice like butterflies, fireflies, and lady bugs? I might
actually be able to enjoy spring for a change if only the bugs would quit
Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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