Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
to republish an
article, please contact her. It's that easy.
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Online Since 1999
||Cold Hard Facts....
Just the Cold Hard Facts
is this 911? I want to report a refrigerator.
Regardless of how new they are, regardless of how expensive they are,
regardless of how good the brand is supposed to be, regardless of
prayer, witch doctors, or fairy god mothers, my appliances are
determined to stop working.
I was minding my own business cooking dinner when I noticed something
that looked like water on the floor. It seemed to be coming from under
the refrigerator. How could that be? The fridge is nearly brand new
and it has already had one visit from the appliance repairman.
Refrigerators used to last forever. All I can say is they don't make
‘em like the used to. It's a crime the way these appliances act.
Water, water everywhere. I scooted the fridge out as best I could and
checked behind it. There was a puddle behind the fridge. My floor, my
beautiful hardwood floor! It is ruined. I'm telling you this
refrigerator should be arrested for destruction of property if nothing
I opened the freezer to see what was wrong and found a waterfall
inside. The food was covered with ice from water that dripped down and
refroze. I've been pulling out ice-covered frozen dinners, ice-covered
packages of meat, and ice-covered ice. There is a glacier inside it.
Are you going to do something, or not?
What's my emergency? It's an avalanche! Everything is covered with
ice! Water has run down the walls inside and frozen. It's Glacier
National Park. I'm going to lose it. You don't want me to do something
terrible that I don't want to do, do you? It's pushing my buttons!
I discovered the problem - an iceberg. Behind the icemaker is a lump
of ice large enough to sink another Titanic. The big lump is
interfering with the ice-making mechanism and causing water to run
over into the refrigerator. My house will be an igloo if you don't get
No, I can't remove the ice. It is frozen solid to the side of the
refrigerator. I tried to chip it loose with a knife but am afraid of
chipping something besides ice. You don't want me to hurt myself, do
you? The food in the sink is defrosting, and the freezer is coughing
up ice balls. Isn't there something you can do?
Okay, I got the hair dryer out of the bathroom and am trying to fend
it off until you can get here. Water dripped into the light in the
back of the freezer. It flashed and went out. I'm probably going to be
electrocuted before this is over. It's an emergency.
Wait, what do you know? It looks as if the hair dryer melted the ice.
The ice tray has returned to its normal position and all appears well.
I still don't trust this refrigerator.
On second thought, maybe you should cancel this call. I may be able
dry the refrigerator out with a dish towel, and return the food to the
freezer. It is going to be okay this time, but next time I may not be
I'm keeping an eye on that icemaker I have your number taped to the
refrigerator door and the hair dryer is set on high. Appliances cannot
You will probably be hearing from me again.
Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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