Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Battle of the Bulb....
Battle of the
----Instructions for adding additional lighting to your
Decide that the dark space in your attic (or basement, or garage)
could be better utilized with additional lighting.
Go to local discount store and, buy an easy-to-install-just-plug-it-in,
florescent workshop light and two florescent light tubes.
Find pliers and put together the easy-to-assemble hanging apparatus for light
Put band-aid on finger that didn't know assembly was supposed to be easy.
Install the two light tubes and twist 90 degrees according to package
Plug in fixture. One light works and one doesn't. Curses!
Spend a minimum of one hour wiggling, switching, and turning light off and on.
Decide fixture is defective - cheap, inferior merchandise. Unassembled fixture
and return to original carton.
Return fixture to store, get a refund, and purchase a deluxe, more expensive,
less- likely-to-be-junk, model.
Take it home, and remove fixture from box. Do not assemble hanging apparatus
until you are certain that it works this time.
Re-install light tubes and find that one works and one doesn't -- again. Curses!
-- again. Find the wrapper in the trash and rewrap best you can, freely
utilizing transparent tape.
Make a third trip to the stupid store to return the stupid lights. Who ever
heard of a light bulb not working?
Purchase a replacement set of lights and return home. This is beginning to get
old. Install the second set of stupid lights in the stupid, deluxe fixture.
One light works and one doesn't. That figures! Spend a minimum of one hour
wiggling, switching, plugging and unplugging the light. There must be a surplus
of defective light bulbs on the market this week.
Rewrap the lights in the wrapper that you cleverly saved this time. Return it to
the store. Ignore appalled look of Customer Service clerk and ask for a refund.
Purchase a third set of stupid, inferior, no-good, lights. Why can't these
stupid things be packaged separately instead of in stupid twin packs? That
probably makes too much sense.
Return home and install third set of new lights in the new deluxe fixture. Three
is a charm, isn't it?
Yes, an unlucky charm. This time neither light works. Spend only 15 minutes
wiggling, switching, plugging and unplugging light fixture - not that it does
Briefly obsess about how good it would feel to smash the stupid, idiotic,
worthless, good-for-nothing, mess into smithereens. Unfortunately, the store
will not return money on damaged merchandise.
Rewrap third set of demon-possessed lights and put the cursed-by-hell light
fixture in the box.
Return to store for fifth time and drag the junk to the Customer Service
counter. "Still doesn't work, huh?" says clerk. Lucky for her that you
want your money back or you'd smack her over the head with a defective light
Get money back and flee from the den of light-fixtures-made-in-hell before the
store revises their return policy and refuses to return your money. Enough is
Go home and find a handy-dandy, heavy-duty, 10-year-old extension cord that you
had out in the garage.
Throw the extension cord over rafter in attic and screw in a plain,
old-fashioned light bulb.
Voile! Let there be light! God is good!
Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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