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Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Big Teeth....

My, What Big Teeth You Have!

Let's get this straight right from the beginning, we are not talking about teeth in someone's mouth, we are talking about a Bluetooth in someone's ear. If you think it sounds like some sort of deformity, you are probably right. However, it is mental deformity, not a physical one.

Now I've been seeing these Bluetooth mobile headsets on people’s ears for a while, but Christmas was apparently some sort of turning point for the Bluetooth headset people. It seems that every one who thinks they are anyone has to have a Bluetooth.

What is a Bluetooth headset, you say? It uses new technology to communicate wirelessly with a cell phone. Actually, Bluetooth technology allows all sorts of electronic devices to communicate with each other wirelessly at close range, like digital cameras and hand held computers, kind of like baby Wi-Fi.

But I am referring here to people who communicate with their cell phone via their ear tooth, which, coincidentally, looks like a big blue fang. Bluetooth, however, was supposedly not named for the carnivorous looking headset, but after some Danish Viking named Bluetooth. Poor fellow.

Bluetoothers don’t seem to know they look like idiots with that fang hanging on their ear. I think they actually believe it looks cool. It used to be that we only had to worry about people doing things with one hand while holding a cell phone glued to their ear. Now we have to worry about the sanity of people talking on a cell with both hands free.

Bluetoothers claim they are being safe because they can have their hands free while driving. Of course, that doesn’t mean they have their mind free. They still are paying attention to what’s in their ear and not to what’s in front of their eyes. Besides, if they are interested only in safety, while are they on elevators with these monstrosities?

If you think cell phone users are annoying, you will find Bluetoothers infuriating. They carry on conversations with the ear tooth, ignoring you as if you are not there. I remember when people walking around talking to themselves were considered mentally ill.

Am I supposed to ignore this jabbering person with a tooth in their ear as if they are not talking? Doesn’t this make me look as crazy as they are? Or am I suppose to politely listen, without being a part of the conversation? It probably doesn’t matter as the Bluetoother is in la-la land anyhow.

Some people can't seem to do anything without talking to someone else about it. The other day I was in a store shopping. Another shopper carried on a constant conversation with someone unseen via Bluetooth.

"I'm shopping for clothes." She said. "I found something that I sort of like." She describes it and asks the other person's opinion. And as soon as she hung up, the phone rang again. "I'm shopping for clothes." She said.

Of course, people who have to talk on the phone all the time have been a major pain to normal people ever since telephones became portable. The Bluetooth is the latest status symbol. So, why am I not impressed? It doesn’t show me anyone’s importance at all, only that they are so stupid they can't make a decision on their own, that they are a workaholic, or that they have nothing worthwhile to occupy their time except excessive useless chatter.

The best way to turn them off is to look at the Bluetoother intently and make it obvious that you are clinging to every word. They want you to "hear," but not to "listen." Invariable, they whisper, "I'll call you back later."

I'm really concerned about people walking around talking to themselves. How do we know if it's the Bluetooth syndrome or if they need to be on Prozac? Personally, I intend to be extra careful around these Bluetoothers. With a fang like that, they might bite.

Copyright 2008 Sheila Moss

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