Interview with Old Man Winter
all the snow we have been having through the South and Midwest this
winter, we are beginning to wonder what is causing it. Today we have
an exclusive interview with the source of cold weather, Old Man
First, we would like to thank you for taking time out of your frosty
schedule to speak with us today.
1. How do you like being the personification of cold weather?
Oh, somebody has to do it and I've been in charge of the fourth season
for about as long as anyone can remember. It can be tough when people
are cold and miserable and don't appreciate me. But look at this way: If
there was no winter, there would be no spring. I am simply maintaining
the natural order.
2. So, you try to keep a positive attitude?
Yes, it gets a bit hard at times. I try to do nice things: bring snow
for the kids so the schools will close, and sprinkle the ski slopes with
fresh power for the snow bunnies. These winter sports people are some of
my best supporters, you know. I love chilling out with those folks.
3. Do you have much time for fun, or are you too busy?
I'm not as busy as in the good ol' days, that's for sure. I used to own
the world, had my glaciers all over the place. Nowadays, I don't have
much territory left, just the polar regions, and even those are starting
to melt and get smaller.
4. What do you think about people and their negative attitude toward
Pardon me for saying so, but they have a lot to learn. They keep getting
seasonal weather and global warming all mixed up. Give 'em one cold
winter and they don't believe in global warming. Maybe when they are up
to their necks in sea water they will see what I have to put up with.
5. Do you ever think you would like to retire?
I do like Alaska, Northern Canada, and Iceland. But, who knows,
weather patterns could change and we could go into another ice age. I
like working, doing what I've always done, but the world keeps getting
warmer all the time. It's as if someone left the refrigerator door open.
6. So, why all the snow this winter?
A few snowstorms across the South, and a foot or two on New York City
and people want to throw in the snow shovel and quit. What if they lived
where it is really cold, like Siberia? A little hardship is good for
people. Makes them appreciate how good they have it the rest of the
time. I'll admit I messed up with Oklahoma City this winter. I fell
asleep for a little nap and forgot to turn off the snow machine. Sorry
7. Do you like being in charge of a major season?
It is a lot of responsibility being the CEO of winter, so to speak. I
don't charge anything at all for my services, so people should really be
more appreciative. And if I get tired of watching ice hockey, I can
always zap a city with a blizzard and watch the cars run into each
other on the expressway.
8. Isn't that a little cold-blooded, if you will pardon the
Cold-blooded? Of course I'm cold blooded. I can throw a cup of water in
the air and have it turn into a snowstorm. I can turn water into ice,
fog into frost, rain into sleet. You probably thought it was weathermen
who invented thunder snow, didn't you?
9. Don't you want to leave people with a good impression?
People want to schmooze up to me, be my friend. They
like me for a while as long as it is fun, building snowmen, ice skating,
sledding. But as soon as they get a chill, they dump me like a bad cold.
10. Do you ever feel like people would rather you didn't come around
Well, if they don't like seasons, they can move to the equator and see
how they like it there. And that goes for you too. Stupid weather
reporters! I should have given you the cold shoulder in the first place.
Well, I believe we've been frozen out here. I'm starting to get frost
bite anyhow. Back to tomorrow's forecast now. Keep your batteries
charged and your thermostats up, I think we may be in for a storm.