A
Weekly Humor Column
Christmas
Weather Forecast
 The
following Special Weather Statement is issued for the Christmas
Holiday Season:
December is expected to bring
high barometric pressure and above normal levels of stress in
most areas of the country. Predictions are that shoppers will
start moving into the region around cities and malls beginning
on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Mild temperatures are expected
to rise as the excitement begins and the shoppers rush to look
for bargains for the seasonal celebration.
Economic slowdown has caused a
stagnation of the air around shopping centers, and prices are
expected to be several degrees below the average of last year.
Experts are hopeful that the unseasonably low prices will create
an atmosphere of spending. Look for especially heavy activity
around parking lots where severe temper flare-ups have occurred
in past years from high pressure of traffic and lack of parking
places.
Expect the normal seasonal
display of decorations, which will continue throughout the
holiday season. Many areas have reported localized heavy toy
displays beginning as early as October of this year. Except for
a few low lying areas, lights and holiday ornaments will be
displayed over most of the country, with icicles and snowmen
expected even in areas where temperatures are normally mild.
The wind will be blowing out
of the north, bringing with it a 50 percent chance of Christmas
music. Light snow is possible, but it is too early for a
definite prediction at this time. It is never, however, too
early to wish. A special weather advisory is issued to build a
fire in the fireplace and drink eggnog or hot apple cider to
ward off cold winter chills.
Radar indicates that Santa
will arrive as expected, making it around the world in only one
night in spite of fog, sleet or snow. Children may rest assured
that no snow is necessary for Santa and his reindeer to make
deliveries to rooftops far and wide. Tots everywhere are
anticipating his coming with flurries of activity and
excitement, as Christmas Day gets closer.
Gifts will be wrapped in
seasonal holiday paper and ribbon, especially in mid to late
December. Christmas trees are expected to materialize prior to
Christmas Day and have been appearing commercially for a
prolonged period throughout the local vicinity. A warm front of
Christmas spirit is moving in at 25 M.P.H. and is expected to
bring love, generosity and cheer throughout the area.
Watch for earlier than normal
wakeup hours on Christmas Day as children arise to open their
gifts. A possible storm of high calorie consumption may occur
about midday as a hot and humid area of pressure moves into the
dining room where turkey or ham and other Christmas goodies are
being served. Severe overeating should taper off as the day
progresses, turning into milder indulgences by early evening.
Drought may occur shortly
after the Christmas season as the warm fuzzy holiday spirit
disintegrates and a weak cold front moves in preceding the
arrival of the January bills. Be prepared for a freeze as
reality sets in. Chilly weather will continue into the New Year,
but the celebration of Christmas is expected to go on for many
seasons to come.
Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Sheila
Moss is a columnist and free-lance writer from Nashville,
Tennessee. Her column includes funny stuff about Southern
life, women's issues, family matters or whatever she finds
amusing. She has been published by Voyageur Press and McGraw
Hill as well as in numerous other publications, both print
and online. She writes a humor column for the Atlanta Woman
Magazine, and is seen weekly in the Aberdeen Examiner (MS)
and Daily News of Kingsport (TN) online. She is a member
of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and
editor and webmaster for Southern Humorists.com as well
as independently producing HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her
syndicated weekly column in your publication, please contact
her.