Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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article, please contact her. It's that easy.
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Online Since 1999
||The Vacuum Cleaner...
What can I do? What can I do? The vacuum cleaner
is sitting there waiting for me. I hate to vacuum. It is one of
the best bad inventions ever. I've tried all kinds of vacuum
cleaners, but it doesn't seem to matter what kind I have, they
are all basically the same. They suck.
They seem to have a mind of their own about what they will eat.
Oh, sure, as long as the floors do not have any loose objects on
them, things go well. The vac will hum along okay and pick up
the loose dust and deposit it inside its paper belly.
But, what about the occasional tiny piece of debris on the rug?
No matter how many times you run the vacuum over it, nothing
happens. It just sits there until you finally have to bend over
and pick it up. It seems the vacuum cleaner is selective about
what it eats and doesn't eat.
There are some things that it definitely should leave alone. But
it turns into a silver demon, sucking up all manner of objects
that it knows will become stuck in its fan, make dinging noises,
and refuse to go into the bag.
Take paper clips, safety pins, or hair pins. Ever hit one of
those babies while vacuuming? Inevitably the cleaner will suck
it up before you can stop pushing the machine. The noise is
deafening. It would be okay if it would just go on into the bag
and then shut up about it. But it sticks in the fan.
By the time you finish taking out the roller, breaking all your
finger nails, and retrieving the hateful object, you don't care
whether the rug gets cleaned or not. And where does all that
thread wound around the roller and brushes come from? Is it
I don't get it. It can suck up a throw rug or plastic grocery
bag in two seconds flat. It can eat the draperies from across
the room. It can terrorize the cat, drown out the touchdown from
a football game on TV, blow a fuse, and set off a round of
sneezing that all the allergy pills in the medicine cabinet
can't cure. But it can't pick up dust that is too close to the
baseboard in the hall.
There are all kinds of these machines. I've never looked it up,
but I'm sure the variety is overwhelming. In my lifetime, I've
probably owned most of them. The one I have now cost a small
fortune. The more the horsepower, the better it is supposed to
suck. The only difference I've seen is that it can find the
pennies and marbles quicker.
Yes, I've tried the canister style as well. I used to swear by
them. However, after using a wire coat hanger to pull out wads
of dust stuck in the hose, I finally decided I could no longer
deal with it and went to an upright style. I still use the
canister once in a while as it gets into cracks and hard to
Not only do you need one of the monsters to clean your house,
you really need two.
And there are those paper bags to empty. Now that's a job for a
sanitation worker, not a woman. You can't believe all that
gray stuff came out of your house. You resist the urge to look
inside for stray coins or diamond rings and deposit the entire
mess in the closest trash bag.
Did you ever have a bag come loose inside the vacuum cleaner
letting the dust accumulate outside? Oh, my gosh, that's another
whole story. On a day like that, I simply want to retire from
house cleaning forever.
What did they do before the vacuum cleaner was invented? No
wonder wall-to-wall carpeting is going out and hardwood floors
are making a comeback.
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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