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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life or anything else that  she finds amusing.

   She is seen weekly in the Daily News of Kingsport. She has written for  Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Understanding a Mother....
 


Understanding a Mother

Only mothers and dogs love you unconditionally. The umbilical cord is not cut at the hospital, regardless of what doctors and medical books say. It can stretch as far as it needs to, even around the world without breaking.

A mother always knows where her children are and what they are up to.  Some people think they are psychic  Others think they have eyes in the back of their head. They also have super hearing and can hear a naughty word from fifty yards away. But their most phenomenal sense is sight. They can see clothes that are not hung up even when they are hidden under the bed.
 
Mothers are super clean and always want kids to wash their hands. "Cleanliness is next to godliness,"  as any mommy can tell you.  Dirty clothes are removed as soon as possible. They are carried with a stick to the washing machine where they are washed with soap and water to remove the filth and make them wearable.
 
Speaking of cleanliness, the top chore on the list of any mother is always "clean your room." No one is sure why a room needs to be cleaned as it just gets messed up again.  But a mother will say that jelly sandwiches do not grow under the bed, as kids try to pretend, and that curtains belong on the windows, not on the floor. 
 
Mothers are usually excellent cooks, especially of healthy foods like broccoli and spinach.  We are not sure why they can cook these things so well, but it is probably the desire to see their children eat well. Things like cookies and popsicles are not considered healthy, and we have never been able to figure out why moms keep them around unless it is to demonstrate how to avoid unhealthy eating.
 
Mothers want kids to get plenty of sleep to grow up strong. That's why the bedtime for kids is so early. We cannot figure out why they will not let kids sleep until noon since a good night's sleep is so important, but a mommy's logic is not always something that others can easily understand. 
 
Mothers believe that kids should not spend too much time watching television or playing computer games. Kids should be outside engaging in active play and getting exercise.  Too much television will ruin a child's eyes and they will have to eat carrots for the rest of their life and still might not be able to see. 
 
Mothers worry a lot about their children's health. They believe that kids should always wear hats and gloves when they go outside so they will not catch cold. Any virus attack in the world could be cured and modern medicine would be totally unnecessary if only children would remember to wear their hats and gloves. 
 
Also on the list for good health is brushing teeth after eating and before bed. A certain amount of toothpaste has to be swallowed in a lifetime and you might as well do it before your teeth are full of cavities and it is too late. This rule superseded the requirement that a certain amount of dirt must be eaten in a lifetime, which, obviously is an urban legend invented by someone with too much time on their hands.
 
The reason kids have too much time on their hands is because they are not reading enough or studying. Reading, unlike TV, is not harmful to the eyes regardless of how much time is spent doing it. Likewise, you can't study too much and too much knowledge will not harm your brain like computer games.
 
Of course, kids are not always as grateful to their mommy as they should be, but mommies know they care. We don't know how they know, but they do. The way kids see it, mommies should be grateful to their kids, because they have given them the opportunity to be one of the world's most special people -- a mother. 


Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
 
 



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