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Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Turtleneck Sweaters

Turtleneck Sweaters

Did you ever try to find a turtleneck top in the summer? I'm here to tell you folks, it isn't easy. 

Last winter the Land's End catalog was full of them, all colors. They even came in tall sizes with long sleeves that are a few inches longer than the average turtleneck like you find in stores.

Lately, I have found that I have a legitimate need for turtleneck tops. I had no idea they were so hard to find. I recently had surgery on my neck. The incision healed, but it left a nasty looking scar on my neck, hard to hide with anything other than a turtleneck. 

I have several turtleneck sweaters in my closet. But they are too hot for summer. Even the cotton ones with the high rolled-over necks are too hot for summer. But mock turtlenecks would be nice for summer --- maybe with short sleeves instead of long.

Guess, what? There is no such thing.

I already am the proud owner of exactly one mock turtleneck, and it is actually an acrylic knit sweater, not a cotton top. It's brown. After a while, I had worn my brown pants, my two or three brown printed skirts and was totally out of things to go with brown. 

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my post-op checkup. How's the incision doing?" he asked, checking out my scar. 

"Boy, your neck is a mess," he joked, as if I didn't know. My doctor has a warped sense of humor. He's a fine one to talk about my ugly neck since he is the one responsible for making it that way. 

"You can just hide the scar with a turtleneck," he quipped, as if I didn't have one on at the time, a heavy blue turtleneck with log sleeves. I was sweltering, but it covered the scar. Why didn't he do the surgery from the back of my neck where the scar wouldn't show? I supposed there is some medical reason to do it from the front instead.

"Why don't you just not worry about it?" suggested my honey. "It's just a scar, it will fade." 

Men, honestly, they do not understand a woman's vanity. 

"I don't know why you are making such a big deal about it," he said. 

Neither do I. But somehow I just can't make myself go out in public with that big red scar showing.

My daughter understood. She offered me a package of scar therapy patches that are supposed to make scars fade faster. I tried one, but the incision became inflamed. "Do not use until the wound has healed completely," said the package.

I think maybe I better wait a while.

So, it's back to wearing turtlenecks.

I decided to go shopping. I made my daughter go with me. We looked through all the racks and found a dozen or so mock turtlenecks. A few of them fit. Most had long sleeves, though. I managed to find a few sweaters with short sleeves that were in a lighter fabric. At least I will not have to wear brown every single day now. Or swelter in heavy, long-sleeve sweaters intended for winter.

Vanity, what a terrible thing to be cursed with. But I suppose everyone worries about how they look to some extent, unless they are complete slobs. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to be a slob.

Anyhow, I have a new plan. Scarves. I could wear a scarf on my neck to cover the scar. They come in all colors and are lightweight.

Where is my daughter? We need to go shopping again.

Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss


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