Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Turkey Talk....

Interview with a Turkey

Good day, Mr. Turkey.  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us about life in the turkey shed and the approaching holiday season.

1. What sort of goals in life does a turkey have?

Well, Iíve been on a very strict diet lately. We turkeys have to really watch our weight at this time of the year or we could end up in hot water. My actual goal is to shrivel up to about the size of a feather duster.

2. Do you try to keep a positive attitude?

Oh yes, Iíve been lucky so far, made it though several Thanksgivings already.  Just have to hide behind the door when you see them coming with the meat thermometer.

3. Do you have any significant relationships?

Well, Iím not exactly a lovebird as Iím too old and fat to spread my tail feathers and strut. The missus does have some good-looking thighs, though, and plenty of white meat in the right places.

4. What do you think about the Thanksgiving holiday?

Well, Iím a vegetarian myself.  However, if you really want to know what being thankful is, visit the turkey shed on the day after Thanksgiving and talk to some of the turkeys that are still around. 

5. Do you ever think you would like to move to a place where they donít celebrate Thanksgiving?

What Iíd really like to do is be a guerrilla turkey, live in the wild, and carry a gun to protect myself.  They like turkey everywhere.  Some places just spread it out through the year a bit more.

6. Are turkeys the only animals with this type of situation?

No, chickens have it pretty rough too.  They are always in season.  So are pigs and cowsÖ which are much more delicious than turkey, by the way.

7. How do you deal with the constant challenge of unpredictable situations?

The only thing unpredictable is when -- and with how much cranberry sauce on the side. How would you like it, never knowing if you will be deep-fried, roasted, or made into lunchmeat?

8. Donít you like being a turkey?

Well, Iíve never been anything else, so thatís a bit hard to answer.  I just wish those Pilgrims had never started this Thanksgiving stuff.

9. But, you must get a warm feeling from being wanted?

I try to avoid feeling warm, to tell the truth.  Iím afraid that if I get too warm it may be a bad sign, especially if itís at 325 degrees.  Some days I have to check my popup timer just to be sure that Iím still alive.

10. Overall, would you say you are satisfied with your life?

There are a lot of things Iíd like to accomplish before I go, like revenge against the meat industry, for instance.  But I try not to dwell on those thoughts.

12. Do you try to make a good impression on others?

Are you kidding?  I smoke cigars just to make me cough so they will think Iím too sick to slaughter.  I may be a turkey but Iím not stupid!

12. But, donít you believe that a turkey that isnít consumed is useless?

Useless? Iíll tell you whatís useless. This stupid interview is whatís useless. Just get out of my beak. You are starting to really ruffle my feathers.

Well, maybe we better call it a day.  Iíve got to hurry home and get ready for Thanksgiving.  All the relatives are coming, and... erÖ I guess maybe one of your relatives as well.

So... thatís it from the turkey shed, folks.  Thanks for the interview. Good luck, and I hope you will be around for a follow-up next year!

Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss

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