Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
||Death by Taxes....
Death by Taxes
There is nothing I
love better than doing my income taxes -- unless it is getting a
wisdom tooth extracted. The IRS doesn't pull wisdom teeth, but it does
extract your savings account out of the bank.
Most people hate April 15, the deadline for filing. I hate Jan 31, the
deadline for income and interest statements. When I get tax forms in
the mail, that means it is time to get my information together for the
CPA. I don't know why I have an accountant do my taxes as getting the
paperwork together is the real work. All she has to do is write the
numbers on a form.
I pulled all the things that I thought might apply to taxes right
after the first of the year and put them in a large envelope, which
would break my foot if I happened to drop it. On the bright side, that
might give me a large medical deduction for next year.
I have had a lot of medical expenses in the past year, and you are
allowed to claim out of pocket medical expenses over a certain
percentage of your income. I never can remember the percentage. My CPA
knows. Maybe she is good for a few things after all.
I hate paperwork, especially paperwork involving money I've spent.
Going though receipts for the past year reminds me of all the non-deductible
things I'm trying to forget, like the expensive squeak in my new
refrigerator and the stove that shot sparks across the kitchen.
I was trying to rectify my receipts against my bank statement last
night while honey was watching TV:
"Can you turn down the noise," I snapped.
"It isn't that loud," he growled.
If there is anything I hate worse than taxes it is that TV program
"WipeOut." Of all the juvenile, ignorant programs on the
boob tube, it is the worst. When he went out to walk the dog, I turned
it off. When he came back in, he turned it back on.
I was so stressed out with numbers by that time that I was ready to
throw all the papers across the room. I don't know how anyone can do
people's taxes for a living. I would be stark raving mad by the end of
the first week. Heck, I'm already stark raving mad after an hour.
My son came in, saw the paper storm and asked what I was doing.
"Income taxes and stay out of my way." I barked. He did.
Things never seem to match up exactly right. This time it was a dental
receipt for $400 that was missing. Now I will have to get the dentist
to send me a stupid duplicate in case the stupid IRS decides to do a
Other than that, I think I am ready to call for an appointment and see
how much money I own them this year. I always have to pay. What I
would really like to do is claim a standard deduction and let the IRS
scratch its head. Sometimes I think I would probably come out just as
Thank goodness I do not have a business or I would never get my taxes
done. My CPA says my writing income is considered a hobby, not a
business, which makes it far less complicated. That's a good thing as
I would probably break something if figuring deductions was any more
I just need to print out a few more items on my computer and I'll be
ready. And it's only February. That's two years in a row that I've
managed to get things ready before April 14th without killing anyone
and without losing my sanity -- almost.
If it wasn't for my accountant, I would burn my receipts, mail the IRS
a check for the entire amount of my bank account, and forget it. After
all, how much is your sanity worth anyhow?
Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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