Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
to republish an
article, please contact her. It's that easy.
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Online Since 1999
Application to be a Senior
Grumpy Ol' Phart
ADDRESS: None of your business. Can't be too careful these days.
Someone is always trying to take advantage of old people. You can't have my
social security number or bank account number either.
SEX: Of course, who do you think is buying all those little blue pills
off the internet?
POSITION APPLIED FOR: Chief cook and bottle washer in the
Over the Hill Club
PREVIOUS SALARY: Interest from my 401k (Ha, ha, ha, I can forget THAT
DESIRED SALARY: Retirement benefits, Social Security, and a
stimulus check bonus.
EDUCATION: Advanced Degree in the School of Experience
LAST POSITION HELD: Middle-Aged Codger
PAST EXPERIENCE: Too much experience for space allowed. *See story of my
NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: Just staying alive till I'm old enough to
be a senior citizen is enough.
REASON FOR LEAVING PREVIOUS JOB: Arthritis, lack of enthusiasm, and
retirement incentive bonus.
HOURS AVAILABLE: I'm planning on full-time retirement, so I can be a
senior citizen 100% of the time from now on --- unless something better comes
up, which doesn't seem likely.
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: Putting up with young whippersnappers who don't
know what life is all about, learning to see through bi-focal glasses,
eating with false teeth, remembering to take all my pills, and answering all the
quiz show questions on television faster than the contestants can.
CURRENT EMPLOYER: A 30 year old who knows everything and doesn't need
anyone to tell him anything.
ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? Nope, I don't like Florida. Too many
tourists and hurricanes. I might travel and see what's out there but other than
that I plan to stay right here and clip coupons and play bingo at the Sr.
Citizen's Center. Already too many seniors pulling campers all over the
National Parks now.
ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: Let's just say I'm in really good shape
for the shape I'm in. Any other information is protected by HIPPA.
I'm tired of filling out forms and answering questions about medicine and
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yep, high mileage, like me, but good tires and just
had the oil changed. I intend to drive it until I'm 99 or the wheels fall
off, so don't get any funny ideas about taking away my license. Haven't
had a speeding ticket in over 20 years.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? AARP card, Medicare
Card, Desk Clock and Certificate of Retirement. Funny how they
give you a desk clock when you don't care what time it is any more.
DO YOU SMOKE? What's the matter, think I'm too old? Go ahead, card
me. Make my day.
RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To spend time with my grandkids, take a lot of
naps, travel and see the rest of world, and write a book. Winning the lottery
would be nice if I can remember to buy a ticket.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? My only crime is getting
IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of
course, at this point of life I've got nothing to hide. I just tell it
like it is and the chips can fall where they may. Anybody don't like it,
it's their problem.
REFERENCES: You doing a genealogy or something? My dog likes me.
Other than that, ask my grandkids.
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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