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Meet the
Columnist
Columnist, Sheila
Moss, is a free-lance writer from Tennessee. She writes
funny stuff about southern life, women's issues, family
matters and anything else that she finds amusing.
She is
seen weekly in the Daily News of Kingsport and Hill
Country Times and
appears in a monthly humor publication called Foolish
Times. She has written for Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner,
Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books have recently published a number of her
articles in their Let There Be Laughter series of
books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous other publications, both print and online.
She is a board member and the Web
Editor of Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
Columnists, the
oldest and largest professional organization
for news columnists. She is also the Web Editor of
SouthernHumorists.com as well as this website, HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her self- syndicated weekly column in your
newspaper, or
to republish an
article, please contact her. It's that easy.
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National
Society of
Newspaper Columnists
HumorColumnist.com
Online Since 1999

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Ritual of Spring.... |
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A Ritual of Spring
Ah, Spring is here! Hormones surge... instinct takes
over.. a woman's thoughts turn to... HOUSE CLEANING! Yes, it's
true! Dust is in the air. It is time to celebrate the honored
ritual of spring house cleaning.
It must be a primitive nesting
instinct, the urge to renew and revive. Suddenly it becomes apparent
that your house resembles a college dorm room.
Here are a few of the
tell-tell signs.
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Your front door has more fingerprints than the FBI.
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The dust mites are having an anniversary party
under your bed.
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You are wearing clothes from the floor of the
closet - inside out
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Your family is eating off paper plates so you don't
have to open the cabinets.
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You need a gas mask when you open the refrigerator.
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The kids can't find their toys -- in fact they can't find the toy box.
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The garbage disposal is coughing.
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You can't find the cordless phone unless it
rings.
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You can't turn on the ceiling fan without
creating a dust storm.
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Your chore for the day is to find the vacuum
cleaner bags -- and the vacuum cleaner.
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The remote control has been lost in a sofa crack
since the end of football season.
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The kitty litter is a concrete block.
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The cat has been missing for three days.
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There is something solid and black in the bottom of
the coffeepot.
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You can't decide whether to clean the windows or
just buy mini blinds.
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The dog has offered to loan you his doghouse.
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The mail hasn't been opened since last tax
season.
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The piles of magazines may fall over and bury you.
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You are afraid to turn on the oven because bugs may
be raising a family in there.
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You wonder if a hose down would ruin the carpets.
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There is something sprouting in the dishwasher.
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The washing machine reminds you of a concrete
mixer.
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You introduce your kids as the three little pigs.
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You can't go outside because fresh air makes you
dizzy.
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It seems easier to move than to clean the house.
If any of these seem slightly familiar, you too may
have spring cleaning fever. The male of the species is seldom affected.
Like PMS, spring cleaning fever is exclusive to the female.
Fortunately,
the cure is rather simple. Apply soap and water, disinfectant, furniture
polish, scouring power, grease solvent, and plenty of elbow grease and
your fever will be cured in a matter of hours, with results lasting at
least till the family gets home.
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© 2002-2005 Sheila Moss
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Sheila Moss
PO Box 198019
Nashville, TN 37219
E-Mail

Seen In

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