Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
||I've Been Sick....
I've Been Sick
I hate 'em. I was an unwilling victim who held off as long as
possible. But, my knees were giving out fast. My doctor advised
me years ago that I need a knee replacement surgery. But as long
as I could walk, why do anything so radical?
Finally, however, I got to point where I knew I had no choice.
Every step was painful and I had already resorted to using a
cane to be sure I didn't take a tumble. How could I do my work,
keep house, travel, shop when I was so limited?
Well, at least it is fixable, I thought. So, I granted my
orthopedic surgeon his wish and consented to surgery.
"Which one do you want to have done first?" he asked.
He advised me to do one and then in six months to do the other.
Two surgeries? I don't think so.
"I want them both done first," I replied.
"Both? That's really hard," he replied. "You
won't have a leg to stand on." (Doctors do not make very
Any surgery is hard, I figured. I'd rather do it in one giant
swoop of pain and get it over with. Besides, I have things to
do, places to go. I can't be laid up twice.
So, I talked him into it, telling him that I would go to a rehab
hospital after the surgery was over.
Somehow I expected the surgery to be like the last one where I
had very little pain and was back to normal in a matter of
So, on the scheduled morning, I reported to admissions for duty.
They sped me into the operating room so fast that they hardly
had time to get the IV started. They didn't really need to
worry. I was not going to change my mind at that point.
What followed can only be described as a blur of pain and nurses
between naps. They say the mind forgets what it does not want to
remember. It must be true. I only remember that I had to stand
up the next day on the flaming sticks that used to be my legs.
After three days, the doctor said I was being released to rehab.
Released? I could not possibly get in the car and go to another
hospital. I guess they were smarter than I thought as paramedics
arrived and took me in an ambulance.
So, I spent 10 glorious days in a rehabilitation hospital where
they put me through hours of rehab, doing exercises in a
gym-like therapy room that I called the torture chamber.
The rest of the time I spent sobbing and begging for pain meds.
Finally the rehab doctor had mercy and upped my meds to control
the pain better. I was pretty loopy most of the time after that,
but managed to learn to wheel myself up and down the halls of
the hospital pretty fast, especially when the nurse was chasing
me with a dose of milk of magnesia.
Eventually, I learned to use my flaming legs and was released to
go home -- home sweet home. I was still laid up for several
weeks in bed.
When I went back to my own doctor for a follow up, he was not
pleased with all the drugs I was taking and cut me back
drastically. So much for my drug-laced dreams.
I have two ugly scars and a mind full of painful memories, but
it's over. I'm now a bionic woman with knees that can set off
airport alarms from 50 feet away.
Whatever happened to those visions of flowers, cards and looking
cute in pretty nightgowns? It was nothing like that, I'm here to
tell you. In fact, the only good thing about it is getting it
over and moving on with life.
So, I have something to really be thankful for this
Thanksgiving. Funny how we take things for granted until we are
reminded just how important the things we take for granted are.
Copyright 2010 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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