Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
A Shooting Spree
Take that, you good for nothing box of bolts!
My friend Cathy Gregor has a story about getting angry with
her computer shooting it. Cathy tells some wild tales and it
is hard to know when it is merely fantasy; however, she
declares that she is telling the truth and that she has the
receipts to prove it. Unfortunately, the bullet went through
the wall and shot her dryer also, which worked just fine and
didn't need killing.
I guess everyone has felt frustrated enough at some point to
kill an appliance that wouldn't work. There is a famous story
about Elvis shooting his television set. I'm relatively
certain it is true as the television set is on display at
Graceland and I've seen it there with the screen broken.
I once saw a guy on the Tonight Show that had pulled out a gun
and shot a vending machine that cheated him out of his money.
I can relate to that. Nothing makes me madder than a thieving
vending machine that keeps my money. Do you put in more change
or do you give up before it cheats you again?
I can think of lots of things to shoot.
My old refrigerator certainly deserved being shot when it quit
cooling. I guess it didn't really need killing, though, since
it was already dead. I got a new side-by-side out of the deal
and the old refrigerator is resting in peace somewhere. I have
a feeling that old appliances do not go to dead appliance
My computer would certainly be long gone. I have had the urge
to shoot it numerous times. Nothing is more aggravating than
the blue screen of death, a program that freezes, or turning
it off and having it boot up in safe mode. My blood pressure
goes over the top. I hate having to spend a day trying to fix
a contrary computer when I have other things to do.
POW! So you want to crash, huh? I'll show you how to crash
My dishwasher also went the way of the dead appliances.
Unfortunately, it too died before I had an opportunity to
shoot it. Somehow shooting an appliance that is already dead
just doesn't seem like much of a sport.
The big screen TV died a few weeks ago. I was sort of enjoying
the peace and quiet, but honey had the stupid thing fixed.
My fantasy is to shoot it and get my living room back. One of
these days... POW! If anything has a contract out on it around
here, it is that big screen TV.
My cordless phone with the static needs to go... POW!
My poor old dryer wouldn't suffer much if a bullet went
through the wall and put it out of its misery. The button that
changes the temperature from high to perm-press is long gone
and the handle on the door is broken. It would actually be
better off dead... POW!
The microwave still works, but the light inside no longer
comes on... POW! That will teach it to conk out on me.
While I'm at it, I might as well shoot the stove... POW! The
oven light quit working so long ago that I don't even miss it
any more. And the stove is that ugly beige color that once
matched the refrigerator before I got the new one. Is it fair
to shoot something just because it is ugly?
I guess I'll have to keep putting up with these half-dead
appliances or start my own appliance cemetery. It was probably
just as well that they did not have appliances in the days of
the Old West, or boot hill would have been a landfill.
If they come and haul me away in the padded wagon, you'll know
that I finally went postal and shot all my appliances.
Come to think of it, I might as well put this column out of
its misery too... POW!
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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