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Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Pirates Aplenty....

Pirates Aplenty

It might not be so bad if it was a once in a while thing, or even a once a week thing. But, no, it's an everyday thing, every single blasted day. It might not be so bad if both of us liked baseball; but, only one of us likes sports, and that one isn't me. It might not be so bad if it was a team that I was remotely interested in; but, no, it's a team that I don't give a whit about and can't seem to learn to love.

Remember when pirates were swash-buckling buccaneers, looking for sunken treasure, sword fighting on the high seas, sporting hooks for hands and patches over missing eyes? Now Pirates are ball players, in black baseball caps and jersey suits with nary a bandana or gold hoop earring in sight.

My honey is from Pittsburgh, as he will tell you within 10 minutes if you ever meet him. That means, of course, that he is a Pirates fan. He eats and breathes Pirates, and not the "Argh, shiver-me-timbers" kind. My living room is a mini ballpark. We have a game on the big screen every night, and Pirates by the dozens of the baseball variety sprint through.

"Why do you have to watch it every night?" I ask, thinking we might enjoy watching a real program for a change, one that doesn't have screaming announcers, one that doesn't last nine innings, one that isn't about Pittsburgh.

"It's not on every night," he growls.

I suppose they do have a night off on occasion, but it sure seems like every night when the game is in the middle of the living room and you are practically standing on the pitcher's mound.

"Couldn't we watch something else?"

"I have to pay extra for the sports package!" he says, as if that resolves the matter.

Male logic makes no sense to me. Just because you pay extra does that mean you have to watch every game? "If you pay extra for a movie channel, would you watch every movie to get your money's worth?"

This week it has been the Pirates vs. Cardinals series. Did I mention that I used to be from St. Louis? It's okay, though, I recovered and no longer have to be a Cardinals fan just because I once lived in St. Louis.

Baseball isn't the same on television. It's virtual reality, passive participation. You have to be there in the baseball park with the crowd screaming and beer being spilled down your back before you can be a real baseball fan.

By, the way, do you know why they call them fans? It is short for fanatic. Just thought I would throw that in. No extra charge.

Maybe if we lived where there was the remote possibility of actually attending a game, I could develop an interest. Maybe we could fly there and go to a game, you say? You have got to be kidding! I have enough Pirates in the living room now, thanks, without seeking them out.

Aren't all baseball games pretty much the same, nine men, three strikes, nine innings. Honey will say they are all different. Not different enough in my book.

And this Z thing with the thumbs that Pirate fans do? He tried to explain it to me. I don't get it.

Well, the Pirates are winning again. I suppose I'm destined to be a baseball widow as long as the baseball season lasts. At least I have the computer and
small TV in the bedroom.

There is one thing I am happy about. We are not flying the Jolly Roger from a flagpole in front of our house, at least not yet.

Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss

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