Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Over the River...
the River and Through the Woods
ever happened to "Over the river and through the woods to
grandfather's house we go!"?
I would like to go to grandfather's house for Thanksgiving too.
"Potatoes and cranberries cooked to a turn and biscuits as
light as a breeze," or something like that. "Gravy
boats swimming and glasses a brimming with cider, as much as
you please." I suppose it is just another one of those
Norman Rockwell paintings that we try to live up to.
Now I'm a grandmother, but when they come over to my house for
Thanksgiving there is no river or woods, just the Interstate
highway, and there is absolutely no where at all to park the
horses and sleigh. I've never made a pumpkin pie in my life -
would pumpkin bread work okay?
I used to actually cook a turkey - a giant turkey - the kind
that cooks all day and is raw until the pop-up button pops, at
which time the turkey is immediately overdone and dry as
Gravy is sometimes more successful than it is at other times.
Eventually, I just quit worrying about lumps. I learned how to
secretly strain the gravy while no one was looking so it was as
smooth as silk.
Stuffing is something I've never liked or understood. Soggy
bread, all squished up and full of sage. Yuck! But I made it
anyhow because other people seemed to like the stuff. It did
make the house smell nice while it was cooking.
Mashed potatoes were the real kind, not instant potato flakes. I
blended them with a portable mixer instead of a potato masher.
Add too much milk and they are thin and bluish. After a few
years of blue potatoes, I decided that instant potatoes work
Green beans like mama used to make were cooked in a slow cooker.
None of those crispy, half-cooked, steamed green beans. Southern
style green beans are cooked for hours and are full of bacon
grease, of course. A vitamin couldn't possibly survive.
Every year I threatened to abandon sweet potatoes. Too much
trouble. However, due to a mutiny in the kitchen, I was
overruled and forced to cook them or go to the gallows. The best
kind is candied with plain sugar water instead of being
sprinkled with brown sugar and cinnamon.
Cranberry sauce? It must be something left over from the New
England Pilgrim days. Just to be proper, I would open a can of
the goo for my family to ignore and then I would throw it away
after the holiday.
Pumpkin pie is another non-favorite. Sweet potato pie looks the
same but tastes different. Practically any kind of pie at all
will do since everyone is too full of turkey to eat it anyhow.
Yes, I would like to go to grandfather's house for Thanksgiving
and let grandmother do the work. The thought of cooking all this
food myself doesn't excite me any more.
This Grandmother ordered a pre-cooked turkey dinner this year.
"Over the river and through the woods to Kroger's"
does not have a nice ring to it, but it sure beats spending the
entire day in the kitchen. That makes it holiday music to my
Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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