Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
I have been to the mountain Ė Mt. Olympia, that is. I
have seen the Olympics. And now I have a dream. My
granddaughter can do that! She could be an Olympian. She
is already almost potty trained, exactly the right age to start
I talked to her mother just the other day. She is looking
for a place to start her in ballet lessons already.
However, no one seems to want to take children under the age of
four years old. What is the matter with these dancing
schools? She needs to start developing her poise and grace
early to help with her gymnastic routines.
We need to be searching for a gym and a good gymnastics trainer
for her. Hopefully, we can find one nearby so my
granddaughter and her family do not have to move too far away.
Of course, most Olympic athletes live at their training center
so they can get in more practice time. Do you suppose
she can take her pacifier and stuffed animals?
Until we can get her in a good gymnastics program, we will have
to settle for a backyard swing set for her to start learning on.
Her daddy has already promised to buy her one for her third
birthday, a big one so she can get started in the right
direction. After all, champion athletes must have the
Athletes are getting younger and younger, you know. The
younger they are, the better, according to what Iíve read.
They are much more flexible at a young age, have a lower center
of gravity, and can fly through the air more easily if they are
small. Also, they are fearless, not having developed the
common sense of a 16 year old.
The minimum age to be in the Olympics is 16, so in four more
years, she will exactly the right age to complete. Of
course, she will be actually be six Ė not sixteen.
But we will not worry about that small detail.
We will just put a 1 in front of the 6 on her passport and the
judges will look the other way. If anyone asks questions, we
will say she is very small for her age.
What about the danger of stress injuries and the extreme
intensity of training regimens for very young children?
Oh, governments canít be worried about that. Donít you
know that no sacrifice is too great to bring glory to our
country in the Olympic Games? We only need to be sure to
use a child's car seat for safety when traveling to the
We will need to be very careful what we put on the Internet, of
course, in case someone notices that she looks more like a
kindergartner than a teenager. Other countries are
jealous, you know, and always looking for ways to bring down a
winner. Some hacker might start digging things up about how old
she really is. I plan to delete this column right after
you read it.
We need to work on the potty training a bit more and start
teaching her to wear her hair in a very tight pony tail.
We can always add lipstick and glitter to make her look more
like a pre-adolescent and less like a toddler doing tricks on
Yes, Olympic glory is just around the corner. Her face
will be on a box of Wheaties before we know it.
There is just one tiny thing that concerns me. She
doesnít seem to understand why the Olympic medal looks just
like one of those chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. We
may have to make her give up eating candy. It could really
be embarrassing if she tried to unwrap and eat her gold medal
during the National Anthem.
Copyright 2008 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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