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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Don't Do Mornings....
 


I Donít Do Mornings!

Iím not a morning person, never have been, never will be.  I just donít seem to be able to wake up in the morning.  Here is the way a typical morning goes at my house:

Alarm clock sounds

He:  Woke up before alarm went off and is already in shower running water.

Me:  ďGroan"Ö  Hit snooze alarm and turn over.

He:  Continues to run water.  It sounds like Niagara Falls in the bathroom.

Me:  Alarm goes off; I hit snooze alarm again and put pillow over my head.

He:  Runs electric razor and electric toothbrush.  It sounds like a chainsaw massacre in the bathroom.

Me:  I give up and get out of bed.

He:  Finishes with personal grooming and gets dressed.

Me:  Drag myself to the bathroom, put head on bathroom counter and go back to sleep.

He:  Goes to kitchen for coffee.  Alarm that I forgot to turn off buzzes.

Me:  Brush teeth, consider taking a shower.

He:  Goes to computer to check email.

Me:  Decide I really have to get wet if I want to take a shower.  Try to get over it.

He:  Does mysterious things with the faucets that cause my water to run hot and cold in the shower.

Me:  Look for anything to wear that doesnít need to be ironed - anything.

He: Turns on television.  It sounds like a rock music festival out there.

Me:  "Itís too early.  Oh, my head.  I need coffee and aspirin."

He:  Changes channel on TV. and starts laughing.  How can anyone laugh at this hour of  morning?

Me:  Crawl around on closet floor looking for two shoes that match.

He:  ďYour coffee is ready in the kitchen.Ē

Me:  Open tuna cat food and feed screaming cat that sounds like a mountain lion in heat.

He:  Watches more TV and waits for me to get ready.

Me:  Look for hairbrush and fix hair.

He:  ďAre you ready to go?Ē

Me:  ďGo???  I have to put on makeup!Ē  I donít know why.  No amount of makeup can help at six oíclock in the morning.  Itís inhuman to be up so early.

He:  "Hurry up!  Itís time to leave!"

Me:  "If you canít wait for me to get ready, just go on!"

He:  Gets his lunch out of fridge that he made the day before.

Me:  Look in fridge and try to find something without mold to take for lunch.

He:  Puts dogs outside.

Me:  Canít find purse.

He:  "We have to leave or we will be late."

Me:  ďHave you seen my purse?Ē

He:  "Itís on the chair where you left it."

Me:  Drag lunch and purse to car.

He:  Turns on radio to a too jolly-in-the-morning DJ.

Me:  Drink coffee from car mug and try to keep eyes open.

He:  Stomps on accelerator and screeches out of driveway towards Interstate.

Me:  Mr. Caffeine kicks in at last and I begin to feel almost human.

It wouldnít be so bad if only morning didnít come so early and so often.

I just donít do mornings.



Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
 
 



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