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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is a free-lance writer from  Tennessee. She writes  funny stuff about southern life, women's issues, family matters and anything else that  she finds amusing.

She is seen weekly in the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal  and Hill Country Times and appears in a monthly humor publication called Foolish Times.  She has written for  Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books have recently published a number of her articles in their Let There Be Laughter series of books. Her articles have appeared in numerous other publications, both print and online.

She is a board member and the Web Editor of  Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for  news columnists. She is also the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  as well as a founder of the Southern Humorists writers organization and this website, Humor
Columnist.com

To carry her self- syndicated weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy.


 
Sheila Moss


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I'm so middle-aged....
 


I’m so Middle-aged That...

Okay, I'll admit it.  I'm middle aged, so what?  My eyes are fuzzy and my roots are gray, but I've managed to survive and life should be all downhill from here. Remember, it will happen to all of us sometime, so here's what you have to look forward to:

I’m so middle-aged that…
My idea of a gourmet meal is a broccoli casserole.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I get news from the newspaper instead of TV.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I’d rather sit it out than dance.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I have more invested in root canals than in electronics.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I’ve learned how to sleep with a snoring partner.

I’m so middle-aged that…
My high school reunion is too depressing to attend.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I eat bran cereal because it's good for my system.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I’d rather have a nap than an affair.

I’m so middle-aged that…
My high heel shoes have turn into wedgies.

I’m so middle-aged that…
My idea of a tummy tuck is getting into jeans.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I always take a sweater along – just in case of a chill.

I’m so middle-aged that…
My crow’s feet are not on a bird.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I think bottled water is a waste of money.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I wear knee-highs instead of panty hose.

I’m so middle-aged that…
What I can’t sanitize I moisturize.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I spend half my shopping time looking for a restroom.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I’d rather wait ‘till the movie comes out on cable.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I volunteer to be carded - even if it's only coke.

I’m so middle-aged that…
When the phone rings I hope it’s a telemarketer.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I’d like to get a face lift, but everything else sags too.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I have seamless bifocals to look like I don’t need bifocals.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I save plastic bags and reuse them.

I’m so middle-aged that…
Regular coffee is instant enough for me.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I remember when TV had three channels.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I remember when history wasn’t on cable.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I don’t want anything else if it has to be dusted.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I’d rather not have it than go to the mall.

I’m so middle-aged that…
I can’t reach my toenails to paint them red.

I’m so middle-aged that…
My last fling is putting sprinkles on my ice cream.


Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
 
 



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Nashville, TN  37219
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