How to Spoil a Grandchild and
Alienate a Daughter-In-Law
in One Easy
I am very upset about your latest e-mail, and I really donít
understand your negative attitude. I have made every effort to be
helpful and offer suggestions about my grandchild that I think will be
useful. Iím very sorry about the misunderstanding when I criticized
your breastfeeding techniques. I know it isnít your fault, but, really
dear, donít you believe you could try a bit harder? After all, it is
only natural and mothers all over the world do it without any trouble -
so why canít you?
Iím also sorry about the remark I made about using disposable
diapers instead of the old fashioned kind. But those paper ones do
remind me of Kleenex and the cloth ones were always good enough for my
kids. Parents nowadays are really just too lazy to wash diapers
Iím sorry that you didnít like the little t-shirts and burping
pads that I gave you as shower gift. I know you wanted the layette with
the little angels, but, dear, we do need to be practical. I also donít
understand why you are so mad about the nice Christmas gifts I gave my
grandchild. The fact that they were better than what Santa could afford
and made Santa look cheap is not my fault.
I hope by now you have gotten rid of the filthy dog so the baby does
not catch any dog germs from it. Also, that cat needs to go. It will
jump in the babyís bed and smother the baby. Didnít anyone ever tell
you not to have a cat around a baby? I donít know why you want pets
anyhow. You have a child, thatís enough.
I hope you are using the nursery monitor I gave you and have
installed the electrical outlet guards, and the safety locks. You just
canít be too careful these days, and we wouldnít want anything bad
to happen because you are not being careful, would we? Also, be sure to
keep that syrup of ipecac in the bathroom in case of accidental
poisoning. It always pays to keep some on hand - believe me, I know.
Also, if you would rub the babyís chest with menthol salve, like I
told you to, he wouldnít be sick all the time. If you want my opinion,
I think you should take the baby to my doctor for a good check up
instead of that fancy pediatrician your doctor referred you to.
I donít know why you want me to quit buying clothes for my
grandchild. I know you like to pick out the babyís clothes, but the
ones I pick out are much nicer than anything you can afford. Also,
Iíve found some fabulous thrift stores with baby things for next to
nothing. Why waste your money?
I know the bicycle, baseball glove and
computer I bought may be a bit too advanced for a newborn, but the child
will grow faster than you think. Grandparents need to be able to indulge
themselves just a bit for their first grandchild.
I hope you liked the baby and childcare books that I bought and also
the subscription to the parenting magazine. They have all kinds of
useful information for inexperienced parents. I still canít understand
why you refuse to go to parenting classes.
Are you still upset about me coming over during the babyís naptime
and waking him up the other day? I just wanted to see him, and I did
hold him and rock him the whole time I was there to keep him from
fussing. Probably the reason he is so fussy is that he is teething. Did
you try whiskey on the gums like I told you?
Iím sorry I couldnít baby-sit the other day while you went to the
doctor, but you were so upset when I rearranged the furniture to make
the house child proof that I just didnít feel up to coming back for a
while. Actually, Iím thinking of making a nursery at my place in the
spare room. Then you can just bring him over here where he will be taken
care of properly while you are out running around.
Are you remembering
to change the babyís diaper and give him a bath every day? You donít
mind me asking, do you? It isnít that you are not a good mother, dear,
it is just that I donít want the baby to get rashes or diseases from
Iíve been thinking that perhaps you just have more than you can do.
Iíve decided to move in with you and take over to help out. No need to
thank me, dear.
Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss