How to Spoil a Grandchild and 
Alienate a Daughter-In-Law 
in One Easy Lesson

Dear Daughter-In-Law,

I am very upset about your latest e-mail, and I really don’t understand your negative attitude. I have made every effort to be helpful and offer suggestions about my grandchild that I think will be useful. I’m very sorry about the misunderstanding when I criticized your breastfeeding techniques. I know it isn’t your fault, but, really dear, don’t you believe you could try a bit harder? After all, it is only natural and mothers all over the world do it without any trouble - so why can’t you? 

I’m also sorry about the remark I made about using disposable diapers instead of the old fashioned kind. But those paper ones do remind me of Kleenex and the cloth ones were always good enough for my kids. Parents nowadays are really just too lazy to wash diapers

I’m sorry that you didn’t like the little t-shirts and burping pads that I gave you as shower gift. I know you wanted the layette with the little angels, but, dear, we do need to be practical. I also don’t understand why you are so mad about the nice Christmas gifts I gave my grandchild. The fact that they were better than what Santa could afford and made Santa look cheap is not my fault.

I hope by now you have gotten rid of the filthy dog so the baby does not catch any dog germs from it. Also, that cat needs to go. It will jump in the baby’s bed and smother the baby. Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to have a cat around a baby? I don’t know why you want pets anyhow. You have a child, that’s enough.

I hope you are using the nursery monitor I gave you and have installed the electrical outlet guards, and the safety locks. You just can’t be too careful these days, and we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen because you are not being careful, would we? Also, be sure to keep that syrup of ipecac in the bathroom in case of accidental poisoning. It always pays to keep some on hand - believe me, I know. 

Also, if you would rub the baby’s chest with menthol salve, like I told you to, he wouldn’t be sick all the time. If you want my opinion, I think you should take the baby to my doctor for a good check up instead of that fancy pediatrician your doctor referred you to.

I don’t know why you want me to quit buying clothes for my grandchild. I know you like to pick out the baby’s clothes, but the ones I pick out are much nicer than anything you can afford. Also, I’ve found some fabulous thrift stores with baby things for next to nothing. Why waste your money? 

I know the bicycle, baseball glove and computer I bought may be a bit too advanced for a newborn, but the child will grow faster than you think. Grandparents need to be able to indulge themselves just a bit for their first grandchild.

I hope you liked the baby and childcare books that I bought and also the subscription to the parenting magazine. They have all kinds of useful information for inexperienced parents. I still can’t understand why you refuse to go to parenting classes.

Are you still upset about me coming over during the baby’s naptime and waking him up the other day? I just wanted to see him, and I did hold him and rock him the whole time I was there to keep him from fussing. Probably the reason he is so fussy is that he is teething. Did you try whiskey on the gums like I told you?

I’m sorry I couldn’t baby-sit the other day while you went to the doctor, but you were so upset when I rearranged the furniture to make the house child proof that I just didn’t feel up to coming back for a while. Actually, I’m thinking of making a nursery at my place in the spare room. Then you can just bring him over here where he will be taken care of properly while you are out running around. 

Are you remembering to change the baby’s diaper and give him a bath every day? You don’t mind me asking, do you? It isn’t that you are not a good mother, dear, it is just that I don’t want the baby to get rashes or diseases from being dirty.

I’ve been thinking that perhaps you just have more than you can do. I’ve decided to move in with you and take over to help out. No need to thank me, dear.

Love,
Mom