Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
Hot Wings and Tears
about some hot wings from the new carry-out place?” My honey
asked one evening.
“I don’t remember a hot wings carry out place.” What’s
the name of it?
Wing City or something like that... I can’t remember.
Okay, sounds good -- as long as they are not too hot.
I checked with my daughter.
Yes, she wanted some hot wings too -- as long as they were not
We had a bad experience previously with wings from the pizza
place. Somehow they got the hot sauce mixed up with the mild
sauce. That little fiasco turned me against hot wings for a
I don’t mind spicy food, but food so hot you can’t eat it is
We finally decided on bone vs. no bone, mild flavor vs. hot, and
regular Buffalo wings vs. other varieties. We were not sure what
they had, but honey was off to the new wing place to give it a
The food smelled delicious when he returned and the sticker on
the box said MILD. I made sure of that. We were ready to chomp
I bit into the first wing. Something was wrong. “My mouth! My
mouth! They are too hot!”
“But it says 'mild'!”
Flames were shooting out of my mouth and I couldn’t reply. If
this was mild I could not imagine hot. No celery to cool down
with, nothing, I thought, as I fanned my flaming tongue with my
I must be a fluke -- I’ll try a different one. But it was
hotter than the
first. I tried to chew with my teeth and not let the food touch
my tongue. Tears rolled from my eyes as molten lava filled my
I quenched the inferno with half a diet coke while steam spewed
from my nostrils.
I was going to kill my honey. He better prepare to die.
“Are yours too hot?” I asked my honey.
“Mine are the 'medium' flavor,” he said munching happily.
They couldn’t be any hotter. The man has no taste buds. His
tongue must be made of asbestos. These wings were so hot the box
was charred. These hot wings were from hell.
My daughter, who, also had the mild wings agreed.
“Maybe if I wash off some of the sauce,” I thought. I held
one under the faucet and then tried one more time.
My mouth exploded like I had eaten a hand grenade. As rockets
flared and stars lit the kitchen ceiling, I wiped the sweat from
my face and prepared for death by cremation.
There was no use. I could not eat these wings. It could not
possibly be that a different place had also mixed up the sauces?
I couldn’t even throw them away in the trash can. They needed
to go to the toxic waste dump with other hazardous materials.
I staggered into the kitchen for an ice cube to cool my
blistered tongue and promised God that I would never eat another
hot wing from hell as long as I live, regardless of how mild
they are supposed to be.
Some people are flame-eaters and some are not.
Copyright 2008 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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