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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Hillbilly Eye...
 


Hillbilly Eye for the Northern Guy

In view of the fact that so many of yaíll from up north are moving south, we thought we would bring in some experts on southern lifestyle to give you a makeover and help you adjust to our way of life. Many Yankees are pitifully deficient in know how, due to being culturally deprived of southern customs. Itís never too late, however -- at least we hope not.

Our expert fashion advisor is Billy Bob Johnson, manager of the military surplus and sporting goods store. According to Billy Bob, it takes little to be in style in the South. If you have a pair of faded jeans and couple T-shirts, youíre already halfway there. The well-dressed good old boy wouldnít be caught dead without a selection of ball caps, worn for both everyday and special occasions. You may also want a cowboy hat for Sunday, and a pair of genuine leather cowboy boots for fancy occasions. Add a camouflage outfit for hunting or fishing and youíve got it covered.

The local barber, Earl Ray Goodson, who learned to cut hair in the prison barber school, has agreed to coach us in personal grooming. He says to pitch out all that cologne and stinky stuff you have. You donít need it. If your skinís a bit rough from the wind and your neck a bit red from the sun, that adds to your he-man image. Take off your hat long enough to get a haircut once in a while, though, to help Earl Ray out. He can also trim your sideburns. For nights out on the town, a bottle of Old Spice aftershave is the finishing touch.

Our home decorator is Jimmy Joe Leatherman of J.J.ís Used Furniture and Vintage Junk store. Never pay full price. J.J. can sell it to you cheaper. A table and chairs, a bed, and a television set pretty much cover the basics. If you want to get real fancy, J.J. can get you one of those plastic recliner chairs. Of course, you need a refrigerator for your beer and a stove for frying up bacon. J.J.ís Dinged, Dented and Damaged Appliances store is just next door.

Our culinary expert is Darrell Dickinson from Darrellís Truck Stop which features home cooked meals every day of the week. For the finest in cuisine, the South has one word - "pork," which is the basic foodstuff . We fry it, roast it, barbeque it and use the grease in our vegetables. 

The South is famous for itís victuals: fried chicken and biscuits, catfish and hushpuppies, and pulled pork barbecue on cornbread. We also have turnip greens, black-eyed peas, hominy, fried green tomatoes and fried okra or squash. Unique food is part of what makes the South such an outstanding place to live. So, get yourself an iron frying pan and start saving your bacon grease.

Our expert on southern culture is Johnny Ray Wallace of the local video rental, where you can find a wide selection of country music videos as well as southern movie classics. We know you work hard, so rent a video at Johnny Rayís for relaxation and entertainment. In your leisure time, there are numerous other activities, such as auto racing and high-school football, but Johnny Ray suggests fishing for recreation on a budget. If you need a guide, his cousin is available at a reasonable fee. For a night out, he suggests two-step lessons down at the Stomping Steer Saloon. He can sell you discount tickets cheaper than they are at the door.

Now, thatís what we call living high on the hog. No wonder thereís so many Yankees descending on us. And if you donít like living the southern lifestyle, just rev up the engine on your pickup and head back north, cause down here itís our way or the highway, if you get our drift.


Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss

 
 



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