Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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article, please contact her. It's that easy.
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Online Since 1999
||What color is brown?...
What color is
that person in the mirror looking back at me? I don't even know her. I
can't believe she did it, but she did.
Like most women, I enhance the color of my hair to something that
better represents my image of who I am. Trouble is, I got tired
of the mixing, dripping, messy goop. I hated the stained towels and
spatters on the wallpaper, not to mention repainting the bathroom
woodwork after the big accident.
I decided that I would rather let my hair go natural. Be myself.
Problem is that it looks really awful while your hair is growing out.
So... I decided to use a different color, one closer to my own so the
brown roots wouldn't show.
I went to the Walmart and tried to pick the color out myself. That was
my big mistake.
Why is it that what is says on the box is never the color that is
inside? I thought it would be perfect, "light golden brown,"
it said on the label.
"They call THIS light golden brown?" I thought, looking in
the mirror. Dark putrid brown, they should have called it, mousy messy
I guess they wouldn't sell much hair color that way.
I should have known to pick a color lighter than what I actually
wanted. I went though this once before. After the initial shock
was over that time, I changed right back to the color I was accustomed
"You just have to get used to it," says my daughter. She is
trying to be nice.
Maybe I can wear a hat. Or maybe I can cover it with a scarf? Or maybe
I can put a bucket over my head.
It's no use. This is not going to work. I am going to go back to the
I have to wait a while for the roots to recover. Re-coloring too fast
could cause my hair to fall out. Bald would be very bad indeed.
"You dyed your hair," they say to me at work.
"Yes, I dyed my hair. I hate it." I reply.
"Oh, you just have to get used to it," they chime in chorus.
I will never get used to it. I don't even want to try to get used to
it. But it doesn't look quite as awful today as it did yesterday.
Maybe it is fading already? I couldn't possibly be getting used to it.
Tonight I'm going back to the old color. It doesn't usually work to
put a lighter color over a darker one, but maybe it will lighten it
enough. Maybe it will be closer to golden brown than to trash pit
We've all heard the tales of horror: Women who try to lighten their
own hair and turn it orange. Women who try to darken their own hair
and turn it purple.
I don't have time to deal with a hair color disaster right now. I must
have been crazy trying to change my hair color. Who wants to be
natural these days anyhow?
If only they would name the colors what they really are and stop
trying to make them sound better. If it's mousy mud puddle, call it
that, or bitter chocolate moose, or yo' mamma's biggest nightmare.
They need to let me start naming these things.
Rich garden dirt I would have called it! Or cow manure brown, or
scorched coffee bean, or scarab beetle dung.
Light golden brown? Liar, liar, pants on fire!
I could put them out of business in a week with my names. Let them
wait for their roots to recover for a change.
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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