Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
crazy woman loose who is an accident waiting to happen and a
menace to society. Sadly, I must report that I am that crazy
woman. It's true; I've departed my senses and am waiting for the
men with the big butterfly net to knock on my door at any
moment. It really isn't my fault, you see.
It all started the other day when I needed to go to the
drugstore to pick up a prescription. I didn't really want to go
to the drug store, but you know how it is when you run out of
your medicine and need it. Nothing to be done, but go get it,
regardless of whether I want to or not.
I hopped in the car, backed out of the garage and heard a
sickening thud. I had run smack into my daughter's new car that
was parked in the driveway. I forgot she had a car. Fortunately,
it only chipped the paint off the bumper in a couple of places
and didn't hurt my car at all. That hardly counts at all, I
thought, trying not to be upset.
Then I noticed my car was out of gas, bumping empty with the
idiot light flashing. That figures, being the sort of day it
was. I had to stop at the corner station to fill up. The
automatic shut off on the gas nozzle failed to work and the
gasoline spilled over, getting all over my car and the ground.
I used the windshield washer bucket to wash the gas off my paint
as best I could, and went on about my business. I considered
going to the car wash, but it was cold and I reasoned that the
water could freeze on my car or the doors might even freeze
While I was doing all this thinking, I missed the entrance ramp
to the interstate, which is the closest way to the drugstore. By
then, I realized things were not going extremely well, but I
could go another way instead. The trouble with the other way is
there is a bad left turn, which I expertly accomplished, being
extra careful. One wreck in a day is enough.
After leaving the drugstore safely, I decided to run by the bank
and use the ATM since I had put all my extra cash in the gas
tank, or should I say on the ground? Regardless, I missed my
turn for the second time of the evening and again had to take an
alternate route. Believe it or not, the ATM machine functioned
perfectly when I got there, and I actually made it home without
I left the door of my attached garage open because of the fumes
from the car where gas had spilled. No point in taking chances
the way this day was going. Naturally, I forgot that the garage
door was open and it stayed open all night long. Not only that,
but the back door blew open from the draft. By the next morning,
the house was freezing inside. Why not with the door wide open
all night in the middle of winter?
I think I've regained control of my faculties now, at least I
hope so. I'm just chalking the whole thing up to a bad hair day,
a senior moment, or alien mind control.
So, that's my story. I'm ready now. You can bring in the white
jacket and take me away to my nice warm padded cell. Maybe I
won't need shock treatments. I only hope you have plenty of gas
and will try to avoid hitting the car in the driveway.
Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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