Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Dear Gaylord Texan....
would like to thank you for making my recent trip to Dallas-Ft.
Worth to the Newspaper Columnistís convention so pleasant. I
must confess that, although I had heard that things in Texas are
big, I really had no idea exactly what to expect. Your hotel is
so large that it took me the entire first day just to find my
room in spite of the map that the desk clerk gave me. May I
suggest that in the future you also issue compasses and horses.
I was especially impressed by the atrium in the center of the
hotel, which would rival any botanical garden. The last I heard, we still had
at least one columnist who was lost in the jungle and unaccounted for. We
sent out several search parties; however, they always came back
unsuccessful. We suspect that this is partly due to the fact
that they were side-tracked at one of the watering holes and
spent more time hanging out in the hospitality suite than
In case there are any towels, coffeepots, hair dryers, TVs,
irons, ironing boards or other items missing from my room, I would like to say
in advance that you surely must be mistaken. Most likely those
items were never there in the first place, or were packed in my
luggage totally by accident. Also, the safe for valuables that
you placed in each room was a nice touch, and security was very
responsive to the request to come crack the safe open when I
forgot the combination.
It sure is hot in Texas! I am recovering nicely from the
hypothermia due to the air conditioning in the hotel. I thawed out completely
during the sweltering walking tour of the town of Grapevine where the
temperature soared to the high ninetyís. Please extend my thanks to the
Grapevine Tourism Bureau for making us so welcome! I also enjoyed the nice
wine reception that they gave on the first night of the convention,
and I still managed to make it to the conventionís breakfast the next
morning in spite of my migraine headache.
I enjoyed all the writing workshops that I attended and
appreciate the storage rooms behind the kitchen that you managed to free up for
us to use. We are not at all angry with the eye doctors who were
also there for a convention and who hogged up all the good
meeting rooms that you had. The rumor that any columnists took
passive revenge by wandering the hotel with popping eyeball
glasses is totally false and without substance. By the way, if
you found a pair of these eyeball glasses in the Yellow Rose
Ballroom near the mechanical bull, please just throw them away
as they do not belong to me.
I was impressed with just how big Texas really is and was
especially in awe of the rush hour traffic in Dallas. I didnít
see any cowboys, oil wells, long-horn steers or other things usually associated with Texas;
however, I did see plenty of wide open spaces, just like in the movies. I
wore my convention-issued cowboy hat and pretended to be a cowgirl on
the bus tour to Dallas. However, I suspect that I might have
looked more like a stupid tourist than a real Texas woman -
especially since a real cowgirl doesnít usually have camera
hanging around her neck.
I realize that we had a choice and am glad that you appreciate
the fact that we chose your hotel for our convention. I know
that there are Gaylord facilities in three other locations and
will be happy to honor your request to not even think about ever
staying at any of them after this. And in case you are
wondering, the sheriff accompanied me all the way to the border
and made certain that I got out of Texas before sunset!
NOTE: Of course this is all
in fun. I am a humor columnist, after all. The
Gaylord Texan was fabulous and a great place to stay. I
highly recommend it.
Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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