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Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Clean Up, Spruce Up, Fix Up

Clean Up, Spruce Up, Fix Up 

Spring is officially here now. Clean up, spruce up, fix up, is in the air. I don't want to remodel the entire house but I just can't seem to help myself. No matter how much I argue, the adrenaline seems to take over and I find myself working like my mother-in-law is coming to visit. 

Adrenaline: Go to the store and buy supplies. 

Self: I don't want to fix anything! 

Adrenaline: You heard me! GO! 

Self: Well, maybe I can get some paintbrushes and caulk for the bathroom. 

Adrenaline: And then find the paint and touch up the walls. 

Self: I am sort of getting used to the "distressed" look. Adrenaline: That's for furniture - not the living room wall. Self: Oh. 

Adrenaline: I thought I told you last week to chip out all the cracked caulking in the bathroom. 

Self: I did, but I was too tired to finish the job. 

Adrenaline: So, its just sitting there half done - when do plan to finish it? And what about the painting? 

Self:  Paint is messy and I really don't want to get into something like that until I can finish the entire house at one time. 

Adrenaline: The outside of the house needs some work too. Those shutters could use a new coat of paint. 

Self: Yes, yes, I know. Couldn't I just hire that done? 

Adrenaline: Pay? For something you can do yourself? 

Self:  But, everything in the living room needs to be moved around for that stupid TV cabinet we bought. Pictures will be in the wrong place. I'll have to touch all that up too. I don't know why I ever got into this.

Adrenaline: The more you get done now, the less to do later. 

Self: I really would rather take a nap. Adrenaline:: And what will you do when the house falls in from neglect? Nap? 

Self: Okay, okay, but that stupid hutch is full of dishes. I'll have to take those out before I can move it. 

Adrenaline: So?? 

Self: I can see it now. My entire weekend shot. I won't have time for my regular schedule due to all the extra stuff, and next week I'll be further behind than ever. 

Adrenaline: Excuses, excuses, excuses. Are you taking your vitamins?

 Self:  NO! I don't have time to take vitamins! I'm too busy painting and moving furniture! 

Adrenaline: Calm down, it will all be done eventually, and just think how nice it will look. 

Self: I didn't think about all the work involved. 

Adrenaline: These living room curtains are a bit drab. Don't you have some others upstairs? You've been meaning to bring those down for years and never have. 

Self: I'll have to buy different rods and put those up first. 

Adrenaline: Well, after you move stuff into the living room, you will spend more time there. If you really want to look at those stupid curtains for the rest of your life go ahead! 

Self: I wonder what I did with the electric drill the last time I used it.

Adrenaline: I was just thinking. Do you know how to hang wallpaper? The bathroom is really getting bad. 

Self: I swore I'd never try to hang wallpaper again. The last time I tried, I was saying "sailor words" before I got done. 

Adrenaline: Pity, if you were not resistant you could really fix things up around here. Did you notice the paint on the patio table is chipped? You really need to do something about that too. 

Self: You are killing me!

Adrenaline: Shut up! Women are supposed to spruce up and fix up in the spring. It's traditional. 

Self: If it wasn't for you maybe I could get some rest. 

Adrenaline: Don't blame me. I'm only doing my job. If it wasn't for me, nothing would get done around here. 

Adrenaline: No one has ever died from spring fever. 

Self: What about an adrenaline overdose?

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss


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