Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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The Emergency...

The Emergency

It had been raining and storming most of the day. We needed rain, but we didn't need all the severe lightning and thunder. I was especially tired that evening and decided to retire early and get a little extra rest. I was soon in bed and in la-la land when a loud noise woke me up.

I sat straight up in bed. It was not thunder; this was an alarm ringing. I thought it was the smoke alarm! The house is on FIRE! Good Lord! I jumped out of the bed and slid down the hall looking for the fire, still half asleep. But there was no smoke or sign of a fire anywhere, and the noise was not coming from the smoke alarm. 

What was that noise and where was it coming from? Something had to be wrong. Maybe it's the security alarm? We have an intruder! "BURGLAR! Wake up, and protect me." That man could sleep through the end of the world. But the sound was not coming from the security system. 

Still feeling hazy and unable to think, the noise sounded again and I realized that it was coming from my cell phone. Only one reason an alarm would be coming from the cell phones, a severe weather warning. TORNADO! We are in the path of a tornado! "Run for the basement before we are blown away." -- except, I don't have a basement. 

"Wake up, wake up! We need to get to the bathroom before the tornado strikes." My man snored away. How he could sleep through a tornado is beyond me. "I guess he will be blown away, but I'm getting in the bathtub." 

By now my mind was awake enough to think about checking the phone message to see how much time we had left to live.  I didn't know if I had left the volume turned up on the phone, although I found out later it doesn't matter. Even if you leave it on vibrate, an emergency alarm will override settings and come out at a blaring volume. 

It is one of those Wireless Emergency Alerts that Internet carriers send to get the word out to the public. At this point it didn't really matter what it was. When I looked at the screen, it said: "Flash flood alert." Flash flood alert? I don't live in a flood area. "You mean they woke up everyone in the blasted county for a flash flood alert?" 

I was more than a little aggravated. If I lived in a flood zone, I might feel differently about flood alarms. I suppose I should be thankful that big brother is taking care of us and watching the sky 24/7. At the time, however, I didn't feel very thankful. I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep -- fat chance of sleeping with my adrenaline pumping the rest of the night. 

I get messages all the time about weather, but they come in the form of a push text message, not in the form of a fire alarm. I don't think there is any way to unsubscribe from WEA warnings, they are automatically sent to everyone. Besides, what if was an actual emergency? What if it really was a tornado? I would want to know. 

There were a lot of grouchy people the next day that didn't get enough sleep and I was one of them. I didn't hear of anyone who was saved from disaster by the midnight warning. All I can say is, "Thanks a lot for waking me up in the middle of the night and scaring me half to death. I really appreciate it NOT.


Copyright 2015 Sheila Moss

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