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Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Out, Please!....

Out, Please!

buildings,crowds,elevators,men,persons,womenDon't you love elevators? I thought so. Nearly everyone seems to have some apprehension, but we use them anyway, mostly out of necessity. Have you noticed the obnoxious people you see in elevators? Obnoxious people never know they are obnoxious.
First, there is the impatient person who jumps on the elevator in front of you, even though you have been patiently waiting for 10 minutes. Do they think they will get to their floor quicker by pushing on first?
There are the button pushers who continue to push the button over and over when waiting as if that will make the elevator come faster. Sometimes they push both the up and down button. Maybe they think all the elevators are all going only one-way?
People who get off at lower floors always are in the back of the elevator and everyone has to move to let them off. Conversely, people who are not getting off until the top floor always stand immediately in front of the door so they are in the way of anyone trying to get off. It's funny how this works.
Some people like to drive and stand as close as possible to the buttons so it is difficult for other people to push the buttons. Sometimes they ask, "What floor?" so they can push the button for you. Other times they just like being in the driver's seat, not the actual driving.
Some elevators are incredibly slow. You may have cobwebs falling off of you before this elevator for turtles finally arrives. The elevator in my parking garage is in this category. Other elevators are so fast that you have to run or the door will slam in your face. I've nearly lost my nose several times when visiting the local hospital.
Some people are polite and will hold the elevator if it arrives and you are almost there. Other people jump on and get in the corner so they can pretend they didn't see you coming. Sometimes a person tries to be polite, but hits the "close door" button instead of the "open door."
Elevator people with big behinds crowd into your space or bump you with backpacks. Even worse are the people with wet umbrellas that drip into your shoes, clothes saturated with toxic tobacco odor, or people who cough and sneeze.
Some people are so social they cannot shut up long enough to ride an elevator. These are the people that hold the door open and finish a conversation with someone in the lobby. If both are getting on, they continue the conversation with each other as if everyone is interested.
Other social butterflies use cell phones on the elevator. They get on while talking, or answer the phone if it rings. There are also the text senders and the internet browsers who can't resist the opportunity to show off their new Blackberry.
If you have to ride to a top floor, it is a sure thing that everyone else is going to a floor below you. Some elevators in high-rise buildings go to only the higher floors while other elevators are designated for the lower floors. This is supposed to get the upper floor people up faster. It only works when you get on the right elevator, of course.
Many elevators are not reliable. You can stand and wait an eternity before you figure out it isn't coming. However, that is better than getting on, having the door close and the elevator not move. And, we have all heard of elevators that get stuck, God forbid, between floors.
Older hotels may have elevators that skip the number 13. I guess they don't realize that ghosts know the 14th floor is really the 13tth and will haunt it instead. Buildings may also add unconnected wings and you can end up on the right floor but can't get to where you are going.

Anyhow, I've reached my floor and have nothing more to say except "out, please."

Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss

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