Screen Dream Machine
My honey has a new toy. Itís the ultimate, all time,
masculine, state-of-the-art dream machine Ė a big screen TV
It started when the old TV began to fade and lose the color
once in a while. There was really nothing wrong with it. All you
needed to do was turn it off and back on and it worked as good
as new. It probably had another year of two of life.
But pushing remote control buttons off and on was too much
exercise for my honey. Beside, it was "an excuse" for
him to go to the electronics store and check out the new stuff.
I wouldnít go with him. We didnít need anything from the
electronics store as far as I was concerned. We already have so
many gadgets that we canít figure out which remote control
goes to what.
He came home with that Iíve-been-brainwashed-by-a-salesman
look on his face. "How would you like to have a TV that
hangs on the wall?"
"NO!" I screamed. I thought that was the end of it.
I couldnít understand why he blatantly insisted on going back
to the electronic store again. Probably wants to give the
salesman the bad news in person, I surmised.
Then IT came. IT was half as big as the house. "Good
grief! That wonít even fit through the door!" Not to
worry, the delivery guys have a shoehorn and Vaseline to squeeze
it though the door, if needed.
As they wheeled it in, the floor buckled and furniture slid
to the center of the room. I watched as the cat disappeared.
Grabbing a toppling lamp and holding to the doorframe to avoid
slipping into the void, I gasped, "My gosh! Thatís the
biggest TV Iíve ever seen!"
"But, you said that you didnít want the kind that
hangs on the wall. This is the other one."
Male logic, Iíll
never understand it.
"I donít suppose you would consider returning
it," I asked. I need not have bothered asking.
Honey was in a manís world; testosterone had numbed the
brain and he was too busy figuring out the buttons on the new
remote control to even hear me. He muttered something about
having given away the old one already. Men cover their bases,
Besides having a screen big enough to make a stadium
scoreboard jealous, IT has speakers - lots of speakers, front
speakers, rear speakers, rattle the windows speakers, shake the
roof speakers, and vibrate your eardrums speakers.
"Where are you going to put all those speakers," I
"Oh, Iíll just hang them from the wall," he said.
Of course, silly me, just hang them from the wall. I envisioned
all the ugly holes this was going make in my wall and shuttered.
"I think I have some old speakers up in the attic. Maybe
I can hook them up too," he speculated.
"Please, NO!" I threw myself in front of the attic
door and threatened bodily harm if he even thought about going
upstairs. Any more speakers and the house would explode.
We have now put up shelves behind IT to hold all the
mysterious black boxes that came with the package: tuner,
speakers, subwoofer, DVD and tape players. We have wires running
crisscross to speakers on the walls. I feel as if I have died
and gone to e-hell.
Watching IT is like setting on the front row at the movies.
My eyes water as a bigger than life police car chases bigger
than life bad guys across the screen. Itís a womanís worst
nightmare and a manís biggest daydream all in one massive
manifestation of media.
I watch the walls buckle and ride the shock waves, holding
tightly to my sanity as the curtains shred and wallpaper peels.
"Can you turn off some of the speakers?" I scream.
"Iíll need to go to the electronics store first for
"Youíd better come back with a cable and nothing
else," I shout, as I envision him in a hypnotic trace,
seduced by electronic gadgets that force themselves upon him
with easy payment plans.
So, my honey owns a big screen TV - and IT owns my honey.
Wonder how long it will be before they come out with something
bigger and better and IT will become obsolete?
Not soon enough,