Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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You know you are on a diet when...

You know you are on a diet when. . .

> You are on a first name basis with the diet plan industry.

> Your refrigerator is empty except for diet cola and lettuce.

> The harder you try NOT to think about food, the hungrier you become.

> That was dinner? It was more like a snack.

> You dream of an ice cream sundae and weigh yourself when you wake up.

> You’re confused by terms like low cal, low carb, low fat, and low cholesterol.

> You wonder why broccoli and carrots can’t be fattening instead of potatoes and corn.

> You wonder what idiot tried to invent diet pizza.

> You’ve eaten so many carrot sticks that you’re growing a bunny tail.

> You’ve learned to lick the lid of the yogurt container.

> You drink black coffee – you don’t like it - but you drink it.

> You set speed records getting out of the supermarket before you are tempted.

> You suspect that low cal really mean low taste.

> You’re starting to feel paranoid about the bathroom scale.

> You feel even fill guilty when using sugar substitute.

> If this is food is so healthy, why do you feel so bad?

> When you look in a mirror, you see two eyes, two ears, and two chins.

> How are you supposed to exercise when you are too tired from not eating?

> Your vocabulary has new words like antioxidant and nutritional value.

> You only eat foods with the two magic words - “low fat.”

> You wonder why it’s so easy to gain it but so hard to lose it.

> You thought soy was animal food until you read the ingredients.

> You’d sell your soul for a dish of guiltless ice cream.

> If your ideal calorie intake, was any lower, you couldn’t eat at all.

> If someone asks how are you, you say five pounds lighter.

> You consider it a compliment to be called skinny, stringbean, or Boney Maroney.

> You're offended when no one notices the pounds you’ve lost.

> Your bathroom scales and mirror are liars conspiring against you.

> You are a one-topic wonder – dieting.

> You wonder who the idiot is that invented soy sausage and turkey bacon.

> Okay, so you’re a little grouchy, so what?

> You’d like to kill that person popping popcorn.

> You wonder if ice cubes have calories.

> How can a meal so small be called healthy?

> You wonder who the idiot is that invented veggie burgers.

> Your diet plan is to get finished with the diet plan.

Copyright 1999-2005 Sheila Moss

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