Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Dear Santa....

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm just writing to say hello. In case you are wondering, I've been good, but I don't want anything at all this year. I have everything that I want.

This should be a pretty easy year for you -- at least at my house. I received a new computer from my honey, so you can scratch that off your list. Actually, you probably didn't have it on your list, since I've asked you for one for the past five years without results.

My old computer finally died. The monitor quit working. What can you do without a monitor? The fact is that I was still using the computer I bought during the Y2K panic in 2000. That makes it a dinosaur in the electronic world. It's a wonder it worked this long.

My grandson cannot think of anything he wants this year either. . . other than a puppy. Don't you dare! I picked up some age appropriate toys and games for him at Wal-Mart, so just skip our house. I don't want to have to worry about a gift that chews up the other gifts, wets on the rug, and tries to eat the glass ornaments off the Christmas tree.

We don't want any of the hot new electronic toys either. Electronic toys have gotten out of hand. The toys do all the playing and the children just watch. Your elves really need to stop with all the upgraded technology and get back to basics. These teaching toys are starting to get on my last nerve. I don't think most kids learn anything from intelligent toys except how to take the batteries out.

Don't bother bringing any new clothes for my grandkids. When they open a package with clothes, the clothes are thrown straight up and they grab for the next package. Christmas is not a time to try to sneak in clothes or anything else practical that a child might actually need. Kids know the difference between needs and wants and needs are not on the list.

I bought one item online that was already becoming sold out at the stores. I was afraid that you might run out of it before Christmas, as usual. Hope you don't mind me taking matters into my own hands, but I didn't want anyone to think that Santa forgot them. It's one more thing that you don't have to worry about in case you are counting.

For the first time in recorded history, I finished my shopping early thanks to the Internet. I don't do malls at Christmas any more, unless it is just to look at the decorations. Actually, most people these days would just as soon have a gift card instead of a gift. They don't like getting stuff to return because it doesn't fit or isn't what they want. Standing in a return line after Christmas is the pits!

That should make it easy for you. You won't even have to bother with coming down the chimney. Just drop the card in the mail.

I suppose you are having a rough time this year with all the toys that were made by Chinese elves, which have been recalled. The recall list seems to be longer than the wish list. I've now heard that there are a lot of counterfeit Tickle-me Elmo dolls on the market. Next thing you know, they will be blaming all the toy problems on illegal elves.

Parents are almost afraid to buy toys anymore and are pretty selective about what their kids receive. I hope you will be more careful about the lead paint, magnets, and other things in the toys you bring.

My decorations are done and my tree is up. As I said, I don't want anything this year. Why don't you try thinking of yourself for a change? Maybe get some new red insulated underwear or some crossword puzzle books to pass the time after Christmas is over.

Merry Christmas and please say hello to Mrs. Claus and the reindeer.

Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss

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