To the
Complaint Department
(With Love)
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing in regard to your notice about
the delay in shipment of my order for 14 dozen Olympic quality, ultra accurate,
gold tip arrows. Perhaps you do not understand the urgency of the situation. I
realize that you have no control over the suppliers of your stock; however,
surely you have an existing supply in your warehouse. As a valid customer for so
many years, I appeal to you to consider filling my order ahead of any others.
Since Valentine Day will fall on the 14th
day of February, as traditional, it is imperative that my order be received no
later than the 13th. I must be ready for my flight and travel early
the next morning in order to assure that couples the world over are not
disappointed. Without equipment, I am powerless and love cannot be delivered to
those in need of a bit of extra incentive at this time of the year.
Poets the world over have written poems and
sonnets of love. Famous couples throughout the ages have depended on me to add
that extra spark to their relationship that makes it more than just mere
friendship. Surely you can understand that Cupid must have arrows! Each and
every year, I alone am responsible for targeting the hearts of individuals and
filling them with passion for a beloved. What sort of Valentine’s Day will it
be if Cupid cannot complete his task? I ask you, what sort of world would it be
without love?
If you do not have the specific superlite
carbon arrow, perhaps you can substitute a graphite of equal quality. While I do
have a strong preference from my many years of expertise in these matters of
heart, this is an emergency and not a time to stand on principle. We are talking
about love here. Providing the incentive to fall in love is serious business.
While I do prefer carbon, ultra accuracy is not entirely essential, as my shot
is so powerful that it is likely the unwary lover will be evoked into action
even by a near center shot.
Reusing old arrows is not a practical option
in my particular situation. Regardless of the durability of the arrow shaft,
those struck by the arrow of Cupid usually become so amorous that is almost
impossible to recover the arrows. For days, weeks, or even years afterwards,
they will continue to pursue the beloved – to the highest mountains, to the
deepest seas, to the ends of the earth, if necessary – well, you know the clichés. This phenomenon is widely documented in song and poetry.
You may have felt the sting of my arrow at one
time yourself. Sooner or later practically everyone in the world is struck. You
see, therefore, just how essential it is that my order be filled in a timely
manner. Please ship the 14 dozen arrows or an appropriate substitute at your
earliest convenience. Otherwise I may be forced to refer the millions of irate
lovers who will be asking why there was no Valentine’s Day this year to your
complaint department.
Thank you for your kind attention, and I shall
be waiting for your express package with my bow and quiver ready. The future of
procreation is depending on you. I’m sure I can count on your cooperation.
With Love,
Cupid
