Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Ode to Cigarettes....

Ode to Cigarettes

I hate being a non-smoker. It is so boring! It occurred to me the other day that I really would be a lot happier if I smoked. 

When someone says "good morning" to me, I cannot just ignore him or her and go have a smoke. In fact, I seldom get an extra break in my workday. I cannot stop what Iím doing to have a quick cigarette. I do not get to go outside and hang around talking to the other smokers at regular intervals on the pretense that Iím having nicotine fit.

Iím not able to use nicotine as an excuse for my grouchiness in the morning. I just have to admit that Iím a grouch. If my nerves are jittery, I must have some sort of psychological problem. I cannot say it is because I have not had a cigarette. I cannot even go to the psychologist and pretend it is for help to stop smoking.

I do not have anything to hold in my hand to calm my nerves. I do not get the satisfaction of throwing my butts down for others to clean up. No one praises me for trying to quit because I never smoked in the first place.

I cannot wear the patch as a status symbol. Nobody asks my opinion of whether it works or not. I obviously donít know anything about the patch or have an opinion. No one is proud of me when I go without a cigarette. My calmness is taken for granted, as I supposedly have the ability to control my behavior.

I cannot brag about all the money Iím saving by cutting back. I do not get to shop for cute ashtrays to accessorize my home. I do not get to buy nice leather cigarette cases or fancy lighters to support my habit.

I do not have an excuse to buy new furniture because I accidentally made a burn mark on something. The candles on my birthday cake smoke more than I do.

I do not have anything with my coffee in the morning unless it is food. I have nothing to do in a bar or club except drink. I do not have to sit in the smoking section at a restaurant and so I am always in the family section with people who have their kids along. 

At the theater, I do not have a reason to go out to the lobby during intermissions. I never have an excuse to get out of the house and run to the store for a package of cigarettes.

I donít take a work break until lunchtime, so I have to do more work than a smoker. I cannot avoid doing what I am supposed to do by using the excuse that Iím addicted. I canít leave meetings early to look for the smoking area. I canít excuse myself to hunt for a package of cigarettes. I have nothing to give up for the Great American Smoke Out.

I do not get to be offended about my right to smoke being violated. I donít get to complain about being persecuted for smoking. I canít throw a fit and blame it on nicotine withdrawal. I do not have nicotine to stimulate me and keep me going.

My three favorite things are allergy medication, clean ashtrays, and good chest x-rays. How boring can life get?

I canít use my poor health as an excuse to miss work. My life goal has to be something besides just to quit smoking. I do not have an emergency pack of cigarettes in the refrigerator just in case. And worst of all, I have nothing to do after sex but just lay there.

Yes, smokers are much happier people. If it were just not for that nagging little question about cancer, Iíd smoke too.

Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss

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