Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Chat With the Dog...


Chat With the Dog

Before I begin, I would like to say that you are, for the most part, a good pet. However, there are a few matters that need to be discussed regarding the holiday this year. I hope you will pay attention so that we will not have any similar disasters next year.

First, I would like to call your attention to the little fiasco involving the Christmas tree. Because we have a tree indoors does not mean that you can treat it as though it is outdoors. In other words, from now on find a fireplug. Enough said.

While we are on the topic, I would also like to warn you about chasing the cat in the living room. Cats are accustomed to climbing trees to escape from dogs, and the mess made when the Christmas tree tipped over will not soon be forgotten. I cannot emphasize enough how lucky we all are that it fell away from the fireplace instead of towards it.

Then there is the matter of the lights. Whether you enjoy flashing lights or not, humans consider them a part of the celebration of Christmas. Chewing the extension cord to the tree in half was not one of your smarter endeavors. I'm sure you are aware of this, however, since the shock knocked you halfway across the room and nearly turned you into a Roman candle.

Ornaments are intended to be admired, not eaten. I'm only thankful that we caught you before you swallowed it. Otherwise you would have spent the holiday in the veterinary hospital getting glass removed from your stomach. Christmas ornaments are people toys, not dog toys.

The chocolate chip cookies and the milk that we left out were for Santa and the reindeer, not a snack for you. Chocolate is not good for dogs. Please keep this in mind and maybe next year you will not vomit on the carpet.

Gifts are to be unwrapped by the person whose name is on the tag. They are not intended to be chewed open on Christmas Eve, regardless of how excited you are. And quit pointing at the cat. I have already spoken to the cat about the ribbons, and she denies any further involvement.

I know you were trying to protect our home, but Santa is not a burglar. Burglars wear masks and come to take things, not to bring gifts. I believe we can also infer that they seldom dress in red velvet suits. Please make a note of this for future reference. If there is ever any more confusion, bark and wake us up instead of biting Santa's leg.

You are very lucky that there were no injuries when you chased the reindeer. Have you not learned anything at all in obedience school? It may be your instinct to chase other animals, but please, not Santa's reindeer. You frightened them so badly that Prancer nearly fell off the roof.

And while we are on the subject of chasing, this rule also applies to the postman and the delivery people bringing packages. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that a burglar could rob us blind and you would follow him around wagging your tail, but let a delivery person come around and you turn into a fire-breathing guard dog.

Finally, do not beg for food while we are eating Christmas dinner. You have a full dish of dog food. If you can remember not to jump on people and breath dog breath on them while they are eating, you will not have to spend Christmas day outside in the doghouse next year.

I'm really glad we had this little chat. I have my doubts that you intend to change, though, since your snoring was so loud you sounded like a canine sawmill. I suppose it is hopeless.

Somehow I have a feeling that what humans consider "naughty," dogs consider "nice."

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

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