Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Chat With the Dog...
With the Dog
I begin, I would like to say that you are, for the most part, a
good pet. However, there are a few matters that need to be
discussed regarding the holiday this year. I hope you will pay
attention so that we will not have any similar disasters next
First, I would like to call your attention to the little fiasco
involving the Christmas tree. Because we have a tree indoors does
not mean that you can treat it as though it is outdoors. In other
words, from now on find a fireplug. Enough said.
While we are on the topic, I would also like to warn you about
chasing the cat in the living room. Cats are accustomed to
climbing trees to escape from dogs, and the mess made when the
Christmas tree tipped over will not soon be forgotten. I cannot
emphasize enough how lucky we all are that it fell away from the
fireplace instead of towards it.
Then there is the matter of the lights. Whether you enjoy flashing
lights or not, humans consider them a part of the celebration of
Christmas. Chewing the extension cord to the tree in half was not
one of your smarter endeavors. I'm sure you are aware of this,
however, since the shock knocked you halfway across the room and
nearly turned you into a Roman candle.
Ornaments are intended to be admired, not eaten. I'm only thankful
that we caught you before you swallowed it. Otherwise you would
have spent the holiday in the veterinary hospital getting glass
removed from your stomach. Christmas ornaments are people toys,
not dog toys.
The chocolate chip cookies and the milk that we left out were for
Santa and the reindeer, not a snack for you. Chocolate is not good
for dogs. Please keep this in mind and maybe next year you will
not vomit on the carpet.
Gifts are to be unwrapped by the person whose name is on the tag.
They are not intended to be chewed open on Christmas Eve,
regardless of how excited you are. And quit pointing at the cat. I
have already spoken to the cat about the ribbons, and she denies
any further involvement.
I know you were trying to protect our home, but Santa is not a
burglar. Burglars wear masks and come to take things, not to bring
gifts. I believe we can also infer that they seldom dress in red
velvet suits. Please make a note of this for future reference. If
there is ever any more confusion, bark and wake us up instead of
biting Santa's leg.
You are very lucky that there were no injuries when you chased the
reindeer. Have you not learned anything at all in obedience
school? It may be your instinct to chase other animals, but
please, not Santa's reindeer. You frightened them so badly that
Prancer nearly fell off the roof.
And while we are on the subject of chasing, this rule also applies
to the postman and the delivery people bringing packages. I don't
know why, but I have a feeling that a burglar could rob us blind
and you would follow him around wagging your tail, but let a
delivery person come around and you turn into a fire-breathing
Finally, do not beg for food while we are eating Christmas dinner.
You have a full dish of dog food. If you can remember not to jump
on people and breath dog breath on them while they are eating, you
will not have to spend Christmas day outside in the doghouse next
I'm really glad we had this little chat. I have my doubts that you
intend to change, though, since your snoring was so loud you
sounded like a canine sawmill. I suppose it is hopeless.
Somehow I have a feeling that what humans consider
"naughty," dogs consider "nice."
Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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