Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||How to Burn Down the House...
How to Burn Down the House
(As told by Sheila's kids)
down the house seems to be more of a potential possibility
at our place than it is elsewhere. Here's how it's done.
Step 1: Bake a pizza.
You should bake pizza directly on the oven rack without a
pan so the crust will be crispy. When it gets hot, cheese
will drip on the bottom of the oven and burn.
Alternative method: If the house is still standing,
put a pizza in the oven and then fall asleep watching TV
while the pizza burns to a cinder.
Step 2: List to mom rant.
"It's okay mom, it was an accident. Nothing
"No nothing happened, but what if I had not smelled it
burning? Is it asking too much for people to use a little
Step 3: Cook frozen fish fillets.
This is what the large pizza pan is for, the one with holes
in it. Naturally, as soon as the fish is hot, grease will
drip on the bottom of the oven.
Step 4: Go outside and do not watch the food cook.
When mom smells a strange smell like plastic melting, she
will check the oven and take out the pan of fish fillets. It
will not do much good as the smoke is coming from the grease
on the bottom of the oven.
Step 5: Open windows.
Watch mom run around like crazy opening doors and windows to
get rid of the smoke before the smoke alarm goes off. Our
smoke alarm is connected to a home security system and if it
goes off, fire trucks come.
Step 6: Listen to mom rant and rave.
Mom will go on and on about how stupid it is to try to cook
fried food in a pan with holes in it.
Step 7: Clean the oven.
Mom can clean the oven the next day when it cools. The house
may smell like a greasy fish restaurant for several days, so
try to stay away from home as much as possible.
Step 8: Fry some bacon.
Bacon grease is very flammable at a low temperature. Bacon
has been banned for so long that we can't even remember the
last time it was cooked. Wait till mom is out of town and
cook bacon every morning.
Step 9: When mom comes home, give her CPR.
Listen to mom's lecture on cold cuts and salads for people
who don't know how to cook. (The potato chips are on top of
the refrigerator and chocolate chip cookies are behind the
microwave for emergencies.)
Step 10: Be sure the insurance is paid up.
Mom will take care of this. She is quite certain that one
day she is going to come home and find a pile of ashes and a
chimney where the house used to be.
Step 11: Throw pizza pan in trash.
"Don't throw away the pizza pan, mom, I need it to cook
"No you don't, all pizza cooking is now banned."
Step 12: Listen to the lecture on the virtues of being
God knows what will be burned up next. God knows and mom
knows. I am not allowed to use the toaster, the stove, the
oven, the microwave, the gas grill, the crock pot or the
Step 13: Eat out.
We no longer cook at home because everything is banned,
thrown away or locked up.
"Can we order a carry-out pizza,
Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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