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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Britney Booted....
 


Britney Booted

In a recent development, pop star Britney Spears has been asked to turn in her redneck membership card. Born in Mississippi and reared in Louisiana, Britney automatically became a member of redneck culture as her birthright. It has recently been confirmed that Ms. Spears continues to claim Louisiana as her legal residence, even though she has not lived there in a number of years.

The redneck community was shocked and surprised at her recent unusual behavior in which she is said to have married and then immediately ended the marriage as a spur of the moment prank. Rednecks are known to embrace conservative views toward marriage and family.

Rednecks have continued to support Britney even though she chose to go into popular music instead of country music, which is the traditional music of the redneck culture. They were willing to let it slide when she posed in scantly clothed magazine pictures. It is even rumored that the magazine sold quite well from under drugstore counters, wrapped in plain brown paper.

However, her latest bizarre behavior of marrying and annulling her marriage in a period of 55 hours was just more than the redneck community could tolerate, even though she was married in the conventional redneck attire of torn jeans and a baseball cap, showing her ties to the community.

"She's making us look even more stupid than we actually are!" commented Bubba, owner of a combination gas station and laundromat. 

"Talk about dumb blonds," added beauty shop operator Tammy Jo, widely known not only for her hairstyles but also for her ability to chew gum and tease hair at the same time. 

"She didn’t even have big hair! She’s not a mentor to anyone!" exclaimed Elsie Mae; "It’s downright embarrassing!"

It was only after serious consideration and several rounds of beer that the committee of good ol’ boys decided on withdrawal of the redneck membership. It was unanimously agreed down at the official sports bar and live bait shop, that no one should be allowed to tarnish the image of rednecks that so many have given so much to create. (They were not intoxicated at the time.)

This will be the first time a member of the redneck community has been disclaimed for inappropriate behavior. Rednecks are, for the most part, a friendly and easy-going bunch, tolerating a wide range of recreational activities, as long as you don’t irritate them with Yankee talk or aggravate the dogs.

Ms. Spears was not available for comment as she is still recovering from her impetuous fling over the weekend. Her legal representatives say, however, that they do not intend to challenge the committee’s decision to boot Britney. "We are all good friends," they stated. The courts were relieved to hear this as they have already had enough stupid cases for one week.

We were unable to obtain a photo of the terminated redneck membership card to circulate on the Internet; however, we were able to obtain a statement from her temporary husband, still residing in Louisiana. "Wanna bid on the video, man?" he said, prior to peeling out and laying rubber down Main Street with his pickup truck. It is rumored that the video is expected to show up soon on E-Bay.

It is believed that Spear’s record sales will not be affected by withdrawal of redneck support. A publicist stated that Britney would continue to sell CDs and pose for photos of her belly button as usual. It may be noted, however, that the redneck market accounts for a large percentage of all tape and CD sales, rednecks not being smart enough to pirate them off the Internet for free.

At a press conference, redneck community representatives, Billy Bob and Lucy, announced that there would be a Britney bash, fish fry, and media photo opportunity at the fairgrounds immediately following tomorrow’s tractor pull. Redneck representatives from all over the US are expected to attend to eat hushpuppies and show their support for the landmark decision.


Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
 
 



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