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Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Revenge of the Breast....

Revenge of the Breast

"Iím not writing about Janet Jackson" I promised myself. "Thereís been more than enough said about it already." But, I canít get away from it. I turn on the TV and she is apologizing for showing her breast. David Letterman is making jokes about her on late night TV. Itís in the papers and on the Internet news. Her breast has become more famous than a Britney and Madonna kiss.

Everyone is talking about Janet Jacksonís breast. Never has so little flesh done so much to offend so many. Itís downright scary. The unprecedented appearance of a breast on prime time TV is being investigated by the FCC. The Feds are investigating a breast?

"Itís the children," everyone agrees in unison. "We are upset because our children saw the BREAST." Granted, it was in the wrong context and at the wrong time. But, a whole generation of children has now seen the breast and we cannot recover their innocence. I can only wonder why we were not concerned about the increasingly objectionable half time shows before the breast appeared?

Older children are snickering. "Did you see it? You missed it? I saw it live." Those who saw the breast are smug, knowing they have eluded the rules and have taken a giant step toward adulthood. Seeing the breast has become a status symbol, giving bragging rights on the playground. Oh, sickness.

And what about the people that didnít see it? Well, we have the re-runs to appease us. The breast has appeared on TV news, with the nasty part censored out of course. Not much to see when the main attraction is censored. Apparently, the breast had its prime time appearance, and it was a one-time cameo opportunity.

CBS has been mortified. "We didnít know!" they exclaim. Imagine! A mere breast has mortified a major television network. 

Angry fingers point at them. "Our children saw the breast and itís YOUR fault for not delaying the live broadcast. Itís is YOUR fault for hiring MTV to put on a half time show." You should have known there would be breasts present and that one could escape!

And what about the owner of the golden breast? She is sorry. It was an accident. The breast was supposed to be covered and it just got away from her and started being lewd all on its own before she could stop it. It was a wardrobe failure. Itís getting to where a breast just canít depend on its wardrobe staff anymore, isnít it?

The NFL has tried to disassociate itself from CBS, MTV, Janet Jackson and the breast. They want to put the emphasis on the game. By the way, who won the game anyhow? The Patriots, the Panthers, or the breast? A breast upstaged the teams that worked so hard all year to get there and played so hard to win. There is almost an ironic justice about a breast stealing the show from the jocks at the biggest macho celebration in sports.

Those that didnít see the breastís guest appearance wonder what in the world all the commotion is about. No male wants to admit heís the only guy in American that has not seen the infamous breast. Thereís always the Internet. You can bet the breast will not be censored there. It makes hundreds of appearances and has instant replays. You can click to make it larger, or even print it out. Next thing you know the breast will be signing autographs.

What ever happened to breasts doing what they are supposed to do Ė nourishing infants. Nobody complained about their children seeing these breasts. At some time womenís breasts lost their function and took on a new identity. Perhaps the breast is getting its revenge? Perhaps breasts should just return to simple decency and wear a bra. Then we could all quit worrying about breasts misbehaving in public.

Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss

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