Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Afflicted by Arthur....
used to think my mother-in-law was crazy when she talked about
her friend, Arthur. But I was young and that was before I met
him for myself. Arthur is quiet the character. He
loves to play pranks. He thinks he is hilarious, I suppose, but
the objects of his little practical jokes do not always find him
I first met Arthur several years ago when he hit me in the
shoulder so hard that it hurt for a week. That was when I
first began to suspect that Arthur might be a problem if he
stayed around very long. I rubbed some liniment on my sore spot
and in a few days it felt a little better. Boy, I hoped I never
saw Arthur again. What kind of a prankster is he anyhow?
Well, Arthur just kept coming to visit whether he was welcome or
not. I had heard other people talking about him, how he
jumped them when they were not expecting it, leaving them stiff
and sore for days.
Arthur has become a terrible nuisance, but there doesn't seem to
be a way to get rid of him. He just keeps nagging and nagging
once he finds a target for his little gags. The only way I
can get any relief from his antics is by hiding in the shower.
Of course, I can't stay in the shower forever, and as soon as I
am out, he is ready to strike again. I wish I had a hot tub. I
would drown that pest if he didn't leave me alone.
There are pills available that help with the soreness a little
bit, and even cortisone shots for the really bad periods.
But they are only a temporary help. Arthur always returns,
and usually with a vengeance. He seems to especially like cold,
damp and rainy weather, the times when you least feel like
fooling with him.
Here lately, Arthur has taken a special interest in my knees. He
ties my legs in knots when I'm asleep. Sometimes I can hardly
walk in the mornings until I stretch my sore muscles. Arthur is
falling all over the place, rolling on the floor laughing.
Frankly, I do not find this sort of stuff funny at all.
People everywhere are suffering from Arthur's little tricks,
some more severely than I am. One sweet lady told me that she
used to love to dance, but now Arthur won't let her. Arthur has
no mercy with his stunts. His favorite victims seemed to be
older people. The more you hurt, the more hilarious he
seems to think it is. What a creep he is.
Folks tell me that if you exercise on a regular basis, it will
help build up your resistance so Arthur can't bother you as
much. But it's hard to exercise when Arthur is constantly
pulling on you, trying to do something to make you miserable.
He won't let tennis players play tennis, golfers golf, or
runners run. The more agony he can spread around the happier it
appears to make him. He somehow affects the immune system
of your body and makes it difficult for you to resist him.
Somebody needs to do something about Arthur. Maybe one of these
days he will get slapped with a restraining order and thrown in
jail. The world would be a better place if there was a magic
drug that could make him disappear.
But until that happens, I guess we will just have to keep
putting up with him. Arthur befriends a lot of people. We
all know him well. I hope you never meet him, but if you do,
keep smiling and try not to let him get to you.
One of these days maybe there will be a way to get rid of Arthur
-- Arthritis, that is.
Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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