Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
Not Amused by Amusement
was practically certain that I was too old for amusement parks.
My spouse loves amusement parks. He is a big, overgrown kid who still wants to
ride on the rides. I tolerate them.
We heard about an amusement park in Chattanooga. It is not too far away and it
seemed like a good weekend adventure. We took my grandson along for an excuse,
though my honey really didn't need an excuse.
This place turned out to be a kiddy park, which was okay since my grandson is a
kiddy and so is honey. They had a few adult-type rides, but for the most part it
seemed to be more like the place where old amusement park rides go before they
I agreed to go on a ride called the Tilt-A-Whirl. Silly me.
"Isn't this fun?" yelled honey, as it slung us around in circles.
"I feel sick! I think I may throw up." I groaned, as I staggered away,
feeling like I'd been inside a blender.
While I recovered, honey went on another whirly ride. I don't know what it did
as I was too nauseated to watch. My grandson was also chicken at first, though
he recovered and rode it later - no hands.
"Let's ride the paddle boats!" exclaimed honey.
"My knees! My knees!" I was finding body parts that I had long ago
"How about the Scrambler then?" asked honey?
"How about the swings?" I replied in desperation, immediately sorry I
had mentioned it.
As I flew round and round, I was certain my shoes would go flying off my feet
and end up somewhere in the lake. My eyebrows twitched as I tried to figure out
how close to death I was.
"Baby stuff," grumbled honey.
I knew we were headed towards the roller coaster as we worked our way to the
back, and sure enough, there it was. I used to love roller coasters, so maybe it
wouldn't be so bad.
We inched up the first hill and I held on with white knuckles. "Weeeee!"
yelled honey as we hit the first dip.
"Help! Let me offffff!" I screamed as my internal organs turned inside
out and my backbone crackled. I couldn't remember what it was that I used to
like about a roller coaster as I staggered away holding my back.
"Does this place have first aid? Call the paramedics!"
After that, it didn't really matter, as everything that could be broken was
already broken and my brain was jelled.
I got on their newest ride, fool that I am. I forget what it was called.
Actually, I'm trying to forget the whole day.
"You know what happens, don't you?" asked my honey, seeing my pale
face and clenched teeth.
There was a kid about 5 years old sitting next to me. How bad could it be? As we
reached the top and plunged back 14 stories to earth, I found out. My hair stood
straight up, my glasses nearly jumped off my face and my stomach is still up
The little kid next to me was crying, as I unbuckled my seat and honey helped me
wobble to the exit.
"I'm going to kill you for that!" I mumbled to my former honey...
After two hours, I was ready to go home. It took another 6 hours before my
grandson was convinced.
I crawled to the closest picnic table, wishing I could take a nap.
I stared at the carousel, "See the pretty horses go round and round, up and
down," I gurgled.
By the end of the day, I was sunburned and brain-dead but managed to make it
home without losing my glasses, my teeth, my camera, my shoes or my lunch.
But, I am absolutely certain now that I am too old for amusement parks.
Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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